Sunday, December 17, 2006

Oh Yes! Wife.Imp IS a Joy-Sucker!!

Now before you guys start with the bedroom eyes, envisioning crushed, red-velvet curtains and wall hangings, a king-sized, heart-shaped bed (that vibrates), and cheesy-1970s soundtrack playing in the background, let us just say that the the only thing I know of named Joy, works with Barbara Walters on 'The View.'

So, how is it that wife.imp is now known as 'Joy-Sucker' here at the Playground?

We were on our way to Church this a.m. and discussing what girl.imp could do career-wise with her penchant for drawing (and perhaps enrolling her into art classes this summer). know if you want to be an artist you can go to school to be a Graphic Artist and not have to worry about being a starving artist. (Tony this sound familiar?)
girl.imp: Huh?
me: mommy is sucking the joy out of being a Starving Artist, honey!
girl.imp: Mommy is a Joy Sucker!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

We have Moved to a New Home


We have moved and can now be found at "Imps Playground"

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Identity Crisis

Since beginning this blogging experience I struggled with a name and settled on Simply SAHD.

However the wife imp has stated repeatedly that it is too wimpy, feminine even. SOOOO, it just might be time for a name change. Because the wife imp does not criticize quite so bluntly. In fact, in most cases she hedges around the topic until:

1- I either do not clue in and she loses her patience
2- I actually discover/see the hint and make immediate use of the knew knowledge

(This blog falls into the latter category)

I am looking for something snappy that encapsulates the aura/feel of this blog. Something that is readily identifiable.

I am thinking: (drumroll please)

IMPS Playground
Caramel Kids

What do you think?

Because come Monday Simply SAHD will have to be replaced...

oh, please pardon our mess during our remodeling...

Weekend Blahs

Today is one lazy day! The sun is out. There is an actual breeze coming through the windows. The imps are in the midst of cabin fever. This could be the terminal variety, as they are determined to find and torture that 'last nerve'.

Simple answer...Why not take them outside? Let them run and play?

Well, today is the Sister's annual hog roast and it is located on the far end of the State from our house. We also have to fix and prepare a covered dish (not even started yet). On top of that, who really wants to let the imps go out and get all grubby and sweaty then fight to bring them back inside the house so they can get baths then jump in the car and drive to the hog roast where the imps will run around outside and get all grubby?

It is tooo damn hot folks!

and because we are being lazy, b.imp has colored my windows, floors and front door purple and orange. g.imp and I have had a fairly extended conversation with her stuffed purple bunny doll. Meanwhile she has yet to finish her tomato soup (blood) that she asked the wife imp (does that make her the family w.imp?) to fix for her 11/2 hours ago.

On the bright side, the car has been washed and organized (cleaned can never be used unless the w.imp--no, gotta go back to another name--TB1/2 (the better1/2)? Love of My Life (LOML)? --anyway if the Boss 'aint approved the effort it 'aint clean).

No, dammit! I am going to make a stand. This is my blog and the imps are going to be clarified.

We already have:

daughter = g.imp (girl imp)
son = b.imp (boy imp)
wife = w.imp (wife imp)
me = d.imp (daddy imp)? f.imp (father imp)? p.imp? (papa imp?)

I like what we are accomplishing here folks.

Personally I am open to bets on how long the wife will allow herself to be called w.imp to my p.imp?

any guesses??

Friday, July 07, 2006

It could only happen for love

For a long time now we have been told that if men had to have babies, none would ever be born. This is essentially true.

While I have walked (both with and without the 'aid' of crutches) with:
- broken toes -- I actually played 1/2 a football season with two broken toes
- torn leg muscles (it was the center of my right calf and yes, when you can feel the sides of the torn section rub against each other, it is safe to claim that it was more than a pulled muscle)
- and screwed up ankle tendons (the doc said it would have been better to break the ankle--turns out he was right) :

I would never ever voluntarily ask to be pregnant. Thank God for women!!
I also am more that happy to skip that wonderful procedure called the 'Pap Smear'. The wife sometimes likes to put me in my place by reminding me that for her, this is a regularly scheduled procedure. It is her way of saying there is no sympathy forthcoming...

But guys there is one procedure (and I would only suggest this as viable if you can find no other way to prove your eternal love and devotion) that you can volunteer for to prove your love to that special woman.
I found out about it after I proposed to the wife. Having gone through my early 20's trying to be a poor man's Don Juan, I felt that some things needed to be confirmed (no matter how much I 'knew' it to be true). SO I went and took the STD test.

For those who never had this, it is where the medical practitioner (in my case a woman, and she had to be holding a grudge against someone. Lucky me!) jams a pine tree (ok, ok it was a verrry long Q-tip) deeeeeeep into the man's...let's just say that I really, really, really did not feel like peeing for a long time after!!

However, it turns out that I was right and we had no worries...Well, I wondered if the 'helmeted hermit' would ever feel well enough to take up his duties again.

So ladies, if you ever want your man to confirm his love, don't ask for diamonds, don't ask for flowers, just ask him to prove his love with one little test...

We're just waiting for our imps to be 'discovered'

Every year for the past 6 years we have been waiting for that Hollywood producer to knock on our door with the fat contract and extra Oscar or two...

Let's face facts here. The wife and I both agree that our kids are 'hooked' on drama like crackheads are hooked on their drugs. No intervention now will be successful.

We lost g.imp at about 6 months:

Yes even before g.imp could move around or even sit up on her own, she was honing her acting skills. One evening she was cooing and burbling at the Wife's feet (usually my position but let's not go there yet...), when the wife noticed g.imp had her hands in the air and was making those insistent baby sounds that mean 'Hug me! Kiss me! Come on already, Pick me up and give me some lovin, dammit!!'
(I am sure everyone remembers being given that look by their own imps...)

So the wife picks g.imp up and proceeds to hug and kiss the girl (as well as sniff the 'baby scent' off of the top of her head. This I do not get. Never have never will. But if I could bottle actual 'baby scent' Bill Gates would not be the richest man in America).

G.imp responded with the 'one-arm' hug with her other hand reaching behind for t.v. remote! Remember folks this was at 6-months..!

At three years old she was hanging off the side of a shopping cart (no we did not permit this. She just jumped on the side) while we were in the check-out line and then promptly slid off, scraping her chin. Tears and wailing ensued, making us the center of attention at the busiest hub in the store. Wonderful!!

g.imp sniffles and cries then gathers in a deep breath and wails, "I want...I want...I want to go to Bisney World!!"

And just last year g.imp came flying around the corner of our stairs and just missed colliding with the wall. You did catch the part about not hitting the wall?

Tears, wailing total crying jag ensues. Her reason for the drama? "I almost hit my elbow on the wall!!"

Send in that OSCAR!!

b.imp on the other hand has mastered the 'save me anybody these people beat me with thorn bush' type crying jags. I mean he reaaally takes pride in his work. If he thinks he is not getting the attention his effort deserves, he does not give up. He works even harder (sic: Louder).

'If at first you don't succeed...' is going to be his life's motto. However it is possible to have a conversation with him during one of his fits...

b.imp: (wailing screaming tearing of hair--you know--real Old Testament crying)
me: It's bedtime, we have to lie down now.
b.imp: (see above)
me: Ok, do you want me to read another book?
b.imp: (wailing continues) I want Animal Babies!
me: Not Dr. Suess? (I live for Fox in Socks and A Fly Went By)
b.imp: No, Animal Babies (note, crying is stopped)
me: ok, which ones?
b.imp: th..the tiger an..and th..the elephant!
me: tiger and elephant, right?
b.imp: uhuh
me: ok...tiger aaaand elephant. Here we go.

(note there has been no crying from the time he selected the books until I sit on the bed next to b.imp with the books in hand)

b.imp: (wailing ensues)
me: (WTF???) Which one should I read first?
b.imp: wail/cry/scream---the tiger--wail/cry/scream

Now interchange this type of conversation for topic including, short pants v. long pants, water v. milk, mom brushing b.imp's teeth v. dad brushing b.imp's teeth etc...etc...etc...

Oscars all around folks!

Please hold the drama!!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

If you could see kid's futures, would you really want to?

My imps were outside playing with the n.imps (neighborhood imps) today and for a while all was well in my little corner of the kingdom.

The day was cool. The imps were running around, laughing and yelling and being generally happy. Then it happened. During a round of freeze tag -- hehe I got to be base (yea me!) -- the g.imp decided to hide under my chair and the b.imp tried crawling under after her. It was then that the eldest n.imp uttered these words: 'Bite her on the butt!'

After the crying and yelling subsided (b.imp apparently clamped down with gusto), the elder n.imp then uttered the following words : 'We were just joking! I didn't think he would actually do it!'

(now to complete this picture, add an expression that later in life that will be best described as 'damn! Where the hell did that come from?' Ladies you've seen this expression lots right?)

Of course all I could do was sit there, shrug and hope that this n.imp's future love interest was the forgiving sort...