We have Moved to a New Home

Hello.

We have moved and can now be found at "Imps Playground"

impsplayground.blogspot.com

Identity Crisis

Since beginning this blogging experience I struggled with a name and settled on Simply SAHD.

However the wife imp has stated repeatedly that it is too wimpy, feminine even. SOOOO, it just might be time for a name change. Because the wife imp does not criticize quite so bluntly. In fact, in most cases she hedges around the topic until:

1- I either do not clue in and she loses her patience
2- I actually discover/see the hint and make immediate use of the knew knowledge

(This blog falls into the latter category)

I am looking for something snappy that encapsulates the aura/feel of this blog. Something that is readily identifiable.

I am thinking: (drumroll please)


P.IMP's IMPS
IMPS Playground
IMPS'R'US
Caramel Kids


What do you think?

Because come Monday Simply SAHD will have to be replaced...

oh, please pardon our mess during our remodeling...

Weekend Blahs

Today is one lazy day! The sun is out. There is an actual breeze coming through the windows. The imps are in the midst of cabin fever. This could be the terminal variety, as they are determined to find and torture that 'last nerve'.

Simple answer...Why not take them outside? Let them run and play?

Well, today is the Sister's annual hog roast and it is located on the far end of the State from our house. We also have to fix and prepare a covered dish (not even started yet). On top of that, who really wants to let the imps go out and get all grubby and sweaty then fight to bring them back inside the house so they can get baths then jump in the car and drive to the hog roast where the imps will run around outside and get all grubby?

It is tooo damn hot folks!

and because we are being lazy, b.imp has colored my windows, floors and front door purple and orange. g.imp and I have had a fairly extended conversation with her stuffed purple bunny doll. Meanwhile she has yet to finish her tomato soup (blood) that she asked the wife imp (does that make her the family w.imp?) to fix for her 11/2 hours ago.

On the bright side, the car has been washed and organized (cleaned can never be used unless the w.imp--no, gotta go back to another name--TB1/2 (the better1/2)? Love of My Life (LOML)? --anyway if the Boss 'aint approved the effort it 'aint clean).

No, dammit! I am going to make a stand. This is my blog and the imps are going to be clarified.

We already have:

daughter = g.imp (girl imp)
son = b.imp (boy imp)
wife = w.imp (wife imp)
me = d.imp (daddy imp)? f.imp (father imp)? p.imp? (papa imp?)

I like what we are accomplishing here folks.

Personally I am open to bets on how long the wife will allow herself to be called w.imp to my p.imp?

any guesses??

It could only happen for love

For a long time now we have been told that if men had to have babies, none would ever be born. This is essentially true.

While I have walked (both with and without the 'aid' of crutches) with:
- broken toes -- I actually played 1/2 a football season with two broken toes
- torn leg muscles (it was the center of my right calf and yes, when you can feel the sides of the torn section rub against each other, it is safe to claim that it was more than a pulled muscle)
- and screwed up ankle tendons (the doc said it would have been better to break the ankle--turns out he was right) :

I would never ever voluntarily ask to be pregnant. Thank God for women!!
I also am more that happy to skip that wonderful procedure called the 'Pap Smear'. The wife sometimes likes to put me in my place by reminding me that for her, this is a regularly scheduled procedure. It is her way of saying there is no sympathy forthcoming...

But guys there is one procedure (and I would only suggest this as viable if you can find no other way to prove your eternal love and devotion) that you can volunteer for to prove your love to that special woman.
I found out about it after I proposed to the wife. Having gone through my early 20's trying to be a poor man's Don Juan, I felt that some things needed to be confirmed (no matter how much I 'knew' it to be true). SO I went and took the STD test.

For those who never had this, it is where the medical practitioner (in my case a woman, and she had to be holding a grudge against someone. Lucky me!) jams a pine tree (ok, ok it was a verrry long Q-tip) deeeeeeep into the man's...let's just say that I really, really, really did not feel like peeing for a long time after!!

However, it turns out that I was right and we had no worries...Well, I wondered if the 'helmeted hermit' would ever feel well enough to take up his duties again.

So ladies, if you ever want your man to confirm his love, don't ask for diamonds, don't ask for flowers, just ask him to prove his love with one little test...

We're just waiting for our imps to be 'discovered'

Every year for the past 6 years we have been waiting for that Hollywood producer to knock on our door with the fat contract and extra Oscar or two...

Let's face facts here. The wife and I both agree that our kids are 'hooked' on drama like crackheads are hooked on their drugs. No intervention now will be successful.

We lost g.imp at about 6 months:

Yes even before g.imp could move around or even sit up on her own, she was honing her acting skills. One evening she was cooing and burbling at the Wife's feet (usually my position but let's not go there yet...), when the wife noticed g.imp had her hands in the air and was making those insistent baby sounds that mean 'Hug me! Kiss me! Come on already, Pick me up and give me some lovin, dammit!!'
(I am sure everyone remembers being given that look by their own imps...)

So the wife picks g.imp up and proceeds to hug and kiss the girl (as well as sniff the 'baby scent' off of the top of her head. This I do not get. Never have never will. But if I could bottle actual 'baby scent' Bill Gates would not be the richest man in America).

G.imp responded with the 'one-arm' hug with her other hand reaching behind for t.v. remote! Remember folks this was at 6-months..!

At three years old she was hanging off the side of a shopping cart (no we did not permit this. She just jumped on the side) while we were in the check-out line and then promptly slid off, scraping her chin. Tears and wailing ensued, making us the center of attention at the busiest hub in the store. Wonderful!!

g.imp sniffles and cries then gathers in a deep breath and wails, "I want...I want...I want to go to Bisney World!!"

And just last year g.imp came flying around the corner of our stairs and just missed colliding with the wall. You did catch the part about not hitting the wall?

Tears, wailing total crying jag ensues. Her reason for the drama? "I almost hit my elbow on the wall!!"

Send in that OSCAR!!

b.imp on the other hand has mastered the 'save me anybody these people beat me with thorn bush' type crying jags. I mean he reaaally takes pride in his work. If he thinks he is not getting the attention his effort deserves, he does not give up. He works even harder (sic: Louder).

'If at first you don't succeed...' is going to be his life's motto. However it is possible to have a conversation with him during one of his fits...

b.imp: (wailing screaming tearing of hair--you know--real Old Testament crying)
me: It's bedtime, we have to lie down now.
b.imp: (see above)
me: Ok, do you want me to read another book?
b.imp: (wailing continues) I want Animal Babies!
me: Not Dr. Suess? (I live for Fox in Socks and A Fly Went By)
b.imp: No, Animal Babies (note, crying is stopped)
me: ok, which ones?
b.imp: th..the tiger an..and th..the elephant!
me: tiger and elephant, right?
b.imp: uhuh
me: ok...tiger aaaand elephant. Here we go.

(note there has been no crying from the time he selected the books until I sit on the bed next to b.imp with the books in hand)

b.imp: (wailing ensues)
me: (WTF???) Which one should I read first?
b.imp: wail/cry/scream---the tiger--wail/cry/scream

Now interchange this type of conversation for topic including, short pants v. long pants, water v. milk, mom brushing b.imp's teeth v. dad brushing b.imp's teeth etc...etc...etc...

Oscars all around folks!

Please hold the drama!!

If you could see kid's futures, would you really want to?

My imps were outside playing with the n.imps (neighborhood imps) today and for a while all was well in my little corner of the kingdom.

The day was cool. The imps were running around, laughing and yelling and being generally happy. Then it happened. During a round of freeze tag -- hehe I got to be base (yea me!) -- the g.imp decided to hide under my chair and the b.imp tried crawling under after her. It was then that the eldest n.imp uttered these words: 'Bite her on the butt!'

After the crying and yelling subsided (b.imp apparently clamped down with gusto), the elder n.imp then uttered the following words : 'We were just joking! I didn't think he would actually do it!'

(now to complete this picture, add an expression that later in life that will be best described as 'damn! Where the hell did that come from?' Ladies you've seen this expression lots right?)

Of course all I could do was sit there, shrug and hope that this n.imp's future love interest was the forgiving sort...

The Good 'Ole Days

No, I am not talking about how we used to walk uphill, barefoot, in 4 feet of snow, both ways...

I am talking about swimming lessons. The key focus here being on lessons. This year is year two for g.imp and she is still in the beginner ('Hello kids! This is water...') class.

I remember when we had lessons as kids. Mom would wake us up and have us to the pool by 8:30 a.m. (g.imp has to try and roll out of bed by 10:30 to make her 11a.m. lesson). The water was cold and we had to (don't blink here folks) learn actual swim-type movements. Ok in year one we splashed like mad and learned to float on our backs. Year two was kicking and the basic Crawl Stroke.

Year two for g.imp is...splashing and the instructor throwing rings around in the water and having the kids try to leap through them like some type of cheap Shamu replacements...

Well it looks like to truly teach the imps to swim, we'll have to go to the waaay back 'Good 'Ole Days'.


Yes, if things keep trending this way, I might be forced to toss the imps into the deep end..!

Oh this was actually funny

b.imp went to sleep very early tonight. We had hopes that he would still sleep through as it was only really 1 hour earlier than usual. Once more he defied our hopes and expectations and woke up around 10 p.m.

Around 11 p.m. he asks if he can have something to eat. Well, no! This is not an 'all-night' greasy spoon. We are not going to encourage our kids to snack until the wee hours of the morning.

We are a unified front on this! That is until the tears start... Then we find out who truly is the 'king of the castle'.

After listening to b.imp cry for a record 10 seconds the Boss turned her puppy dog eyes on me...

TO NO AVAIL! I am a rock here folks.

Then she added pouty lips...So along with his slice of fresh banana bread I also got b.imp some ice cold water.

Yep, just call me Jello.


There is a game called Spider Solitaire on our computer. I have gotten fairly good at the easy version. It is a game that goes quickly and one does not have to think too hard to win.

In completing her first game, on her first attempt, g.imp beat my best score by 10 moves.

I plan on giving her the remote to the VCR later this week...

More on 'Reading Others'...

I love reading the posts of other bloggers (yes, I routinely read all the people I have linked on this page and I hope to add more). Ok enough with the shameless promotion, both of self and others.

Mama of 2 had a wonderful blog today. I am posting this one day early so this is my actual post for Wed. As I will not be home today (er...tomorrow).

By the way has anybody seen that Liberty Mutual commercial where the dad in a bathrobe stands in front of his garage reading a paper until the daughter and friend both 'buckle up?'

How cool is that dad!! I bet he is a SAHD too!! (ok, really this is the end of the shameless promotions!)

Mama of 2 posted a wicked funny blog about 'Get Rich Quick' schemes and how they backfire on those naive enough to give them a try.

I had two experiences with (ok, one is my parents) with Amway.

1- Mom and Dad had some very close 'friends' when they lived in WV. But since both mom and dad were from the Buckeye State, dad found a way to move his career back to the home State. After the move their friends would keep in touch with phone calls and letters and one day actually asked if they could make a visit.

My parental units were delighted. Plans were made, special meals prepared and babysitters lined up. The kids were to spend the night elsewhere, so as not to interfere with the adults.

So the big night arrives, the couple arrives and, proceeds to set up a slide projector and an easel (the one with the poster sized paper) and spends 21/2 hours trying to sell mom and dad on how great Amway was.

They would not move off of the topic. At all.

Now folks, dad is not a soft target here. I have seen him invite a vacuum salesmen into his house and have the poor soul completely clean his house just to get the free 2-liter of soda offered.
Imagine what his reaction was to his 'friends' sales pitch.

The year was 1979 and we have not heard from these people once from that night to present...

2- The Wife worked at a local bank branch and met one of her customers at a grocery store. The man then 'whipped out' his Amway pitch and being bred with manners, she politely listened and invited him to our house.

After listening to his sales pitch and making polite remarks like, 'I might be able to show that to some people at work' or 'wow, a cleaning product like that would be nice,' we managed to get Mr. Amway out of the house (apartment). But first we scheduled another meeting in which we were supposed to cough up $200 for the basic starter kit (and if we sold anything 75% of our sales would go to Mr. Amway).

After crunching the numbers, for which both of us already knew would come out unfavorably toward us, the Boss informed me that she had an appointment on the day we were to again meet with Mr. Amway.

Huh? Apparently I was better at this type of thing (confrontations) and would I please handle the matter (send him packing like a Carpetbagger during the Reconstruction of the South). Oh, since he was a 'valued' customer of the bank, could I nice about it?

The meeting with Mr. Amway started out nicely, until I informed him we were not interested. Seeing his money vanishing, Mr. Amway tried guilting it out of me.
"What about all those things you said about selling to your co-workers and how much you liked the product?"

Well, he had me there. I did say those things. I could only look him in the eyes and tell the truth.
"Well, to be honest I lied. I really had no intention of doing this."
"Why the hell did you invite me over here if you were not interested?"
"I never actually invited you. (the boss) did and she was just trying to be nice."

A few more attempts at cracking my wallet open ensued and then this line was tossed out...

"So what do you have against making money?"

EXCUSE ME? The government does not take as much earnings as Mr. Amway planned on taking. As a matter-of-fact, he sat there with a Cheshire Cat smile on his face as he told us how much we stood to lose (er...gain).

Keeping in mind that he was a valued customer, I clamped down on my natural tendencies. Being a red-head, from a very competitive family largely dominated by boys, well let's say that IF I lost my temper I would have been patching dry wall for a week!

Instead I did rather firmly invite his ass to leave. However, I did leave the question of whether or not the patio door was opened or shut as he left to be up to his discretion.

It really is true. One should never go into business with Family or Friends.

Things that Irritate

1- Kids having kids!
Yes this is a big item to head up this list but we ran across a huge example of this last night.

On the way home from our city's fireworks extravaganza we were temporarily stopped by the couple in front of us (ok they were ahead of us by approx 20 feet). While they paused for a quick grope, their stroller, complete with baby, started rolling back toward us. Fortunately the crowd was pretty full and it did not make it far. and yes the couple in question looked to be still in high school.

egads!!!

2- Crowding Seats in Restaurants
No, I am not talking about crowded restaurants.

I am talking about being the only patrons in the establishment when another party comes in and picks the table next to you. I mean there were at least 15 other tables/booths in the place!

Find a seat somewhere else!

3- How hard is it to make a cafe au lait?
This place we ate at today had what my wife's former boss terms a 'fru-fru' menu.

So how hard is it for a place that specializes in Smoothies, Flavored Coffee, Capuccino and Teas to make a steamed milk/coffee combo? They did not even know what the drink was!! Come on!

For 3 bucks a cup I almost expect the cup to trot out to the table, drink the coffee itself and offer to clean the table!

4- Just how big is Super-Size??
We ordered a KFC meal the other day and found out it came with a drink. Ok, So throw in a glass of pop (for those outside the mid-west that would be a soda to you). Turns out the glass was about One Liter of pop (soda).

Hardee's is by far the worst offender. I recently made the mistake of assuming I knew the sizes. When prompted I said - Medium. What I got was a sandwich I had to hold with two hands and a spatula, fries that equated to two whole Idaho Potatoes, and a drink keg. If what I was given was the 'Medium' in size, what the hell would large be?
The cup holders in my car are already too small for the current size (although I could have strapped the cup into the empty passenger seat with the seat belt).

I am truly amazed and a little scared with the way our fast food industry is trending...

Dog Days of Re-runs

During the slow days of summer when nothing is on t.v. (and yes we have over 80 channels and there is nothing on...)
What tapes do you pop into the 'ole VCR.

1- Ohio State University Football. Since the Boss is also a fan, I can usually find a game from 2002 to present that she will enjoy. Favorites include past wins in any Fiesta Bowl or vs. UM.
- I also have 3 or four of Tim Chang's better games when he was playing for Hawaii.

2-John Wayne. However, the wife is not a true fan and I am limited to McLintock, The Quiet Man, The Searchers, She Wore A Yellow Ribbon or Fort Apache

3- House of Flying Daggers (this one is on hiatus at the moment as I simply wore out its welcome)

4- ANY Thin Man movie

5- any LOTR - this would truly be my number one (yes even over an OSU football game) however they are usually too long to pop in late at night...

6- Casablanca

7- Any Harry Potter

8- Fiddler on the Roof

9- any Fawlty Towers episode

10- His Girl Friday

Reading Others

I have sometimes mentioned reading other blogs. Today, Chag over at Cynical Dad caught my attention. Primarily because our g.imp is doing exactly what his daughter is doing, pretending she does not hear us. Answering our every question or comment with 'What' or 'Hunh', was less than funny.

After catching on to what was happening, I decided it had to end. I must admit that a cousin whom I used to admire is really my inspiration for parenting. At one family reunion, I saw her chasing after her kids, trying to get them to listen to her. Even at the far end of the field from the action, I could still hear her cries:

'...Two...Three! I said three! I am not going to going to count again! Listen to me! I said three!...'

At that moment I vowed my own kids would never get that out of control.

So when g.imp pretended to be deaf, I had to come up with a quick solution. My usual response has been, "Are you sure you didn't hear me?"
Kids, my kids anyway, really do not like questions that could possibly have two wrong answers.

The usual response has been:

g.imp (b.imp has yet to start with this educational program): ummm
me: so what did I say?
g.imp will then repeat verbatim the statement/question thus ending the exercise.

On those rare occasions when she cannot, we have taught her to respond with "I did not hear what you said, can you please repeat it?"

If that magic phrase does not pop out of her mouth, someone could find herself holding the stairs in place with her hiney or holding a wall up with her nose. (but only for a minute or two)

Shakespeare, Imps and Fireflies

We took the imps to see Shakespeare performed in a local park last night.

We were a little concerned about how the evening would turn out. Me, because the imps did not nap during the day (thus foiling my plans of having relaxed, non-cranky children) and the Boss was worried how I would behave (knowing I am not a fan of hanging out in large crowds. At least those crowds not painted in Scarlet and Gray chanting O-H-I-O!!)

However, this particular play has been raved about by my Better1/2's boss for a couple of years now. It seems her children love this play and they are only a year or so older than our imps.

Now before you start wondering about our sanity, taking children to see Shakespeare. I would like to state, that they were doing all of the Bard's plays in one sitting. A few program notes were also noted:
a) Large sections of text were deleted. 'Romeo and Juliet' was completed in just under 4 minutes!!
b) The acting style was just short of improvisation (yet seemed utterly unplanned)

All-in-all, very very funny. Even the imps were captivated by the antics on stage.

Until Intermission.

That's when the fireflies came out to play. And seeing that we were in a park we let the imps run.

Within minutes g.imp returned with her fists clenched tight. For being such a small girl, it really was amazing how many fireflies she could hold in each hand. I think she dropped close to twenty on our blanket on her first go.

If you have never seen fireflies crawling en masse in a contained area, think roaches with flashlights! Daddy had to pinch himself to verify he was not seeing some nightmarish vision from his college days!

Around this time b.imp got into the act. He caught his own firefly (note - b.imp was perfectly happy with catching the bugs 1 at a time!). He then decided he loved his firefly and announced, to the crowd's enjoyment, that he was going to kiss the bug. Apparently the bug was not as affectionate and not feeling the love returned, b.imp upped his affection quotient and popped the whole bug in his mouth!!

Thinking that this was a good time to distract the b.imp, my Better1/2 offered him a bottle of water. The boy loves to drink water like the grownups and forgot about the bug (which was retrieved unharmed).

For a boy who still thinks it is funny to grab his dirty diapers in mid-change, our b.imp can be quite fussy about his clothes. Like, if he spills his drink on his clothes he must change them or, at least, take off the wet duds! I remembered this little personality quirk when the crowd around us began chuckling. However a quick check revealed that the actors had not returned to the stage.

No, b.imp was chasing after his sister with his pants down around his ankles...