Now before you guys start with the bedroom eyes, envisioning crushed, red-velvet curtains and wall hangings, a king-sized, heart-shaped bed (that vibrates), and cheesy-1970s soundtrack playing in the background, let us just say that the the only thing I know of named Joy, works with Barbara Walters on 'The View.'
So, how is it that wife.imp is now known as 'Joy-Sucker' here at the Playground?
We were on our way to Church this a.m. and discussing what girl.imp could do career-wise with her penchant for drawing (and perhaps enrolling her into art classes this summer).
wife.imp:...you know if you want to be an artist you can go to school to be a Graphic Artist and not have to worry about being a starving artist. (Tony this sound familiar?)
girl.imp: Huh?
me: mommy is sucking the joy out of being a Starving Artist, honey!
girl.imp: Mommy is a Joy Sucker!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Sunday, July 09, 2006
We have Moved to a New Home
Hello.
We have moved and can now be found at "Imps Playground"
impsplayground.blogspot.com
We have moved and can now be found at "Imps Playground"
impsplayground.blogspot.com
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Identity Crisis
Since beginning this blogging experience I struggled with a name and settled on Simply SAHD.
However the wife imp has stated repeatedly that it is too wimpy, feminine even. SOOOO, it just might be time for a name change. Because the wife imp does not criticize quite so bluntly. In fact, in most cases she hedges around the topic until:
1- I either do not clue in and she loses her patience
2- I actually discover/see the hint and make immediate use of the knew knowledge
(This blog falls into the latter category)
I am looking for something snappy that encapsulates the aura/feel of this blog. Something that is readily identifiable.
I am thinking: (drumroll please)
P.IMP's IMPS
IMPS Playground
IMPS'R'US
Caramel Kids
What do you think?
Because come Monday Simply SAHD will have to be replaced...
oh, please pardon our mess during our remodeling...
However the wife imp has stated repeatedly that it is too wimpy, feminine even. SOOOO, it just might be time for a name change. Because the wife imp does not criticize quite so bluntly. In fact, in most cases she hedges around the topic until:
1- I either do not clue in and she loses her patience
2- I actually discover/see the hint and make immediate use of the knew knowledge
(This blog falls into the latter category)
I am looking for something snappy that encapsulates the aura/feel of this blog. Something that is readily identifiable.
I am thinking: (drumroll please)
P.IMP's IMPS
IMPS Playground
IMPS'R'US
Caramel Kids
What do you think?
Because come Monday Simply SAHD will have to be replaced...
oh, please pardon our mess during our remodeling...
Weekend Blahs
Today is one lazy day! The sun is out. There is an actual breeze coming through the windows. The imps are in the midst of cabin fever. This could be the terminal variety, as they are determined to find and torture that 'last nerve'.
Simple answer...Why not take them outside? Let them run and play?
Well, today is the Sister's annual hog roast and it is located on the far end of the State from our house. We also have to fix and prepare a covered dish (not even started yet). On top of that, who really wants to let the imps go out and get all grubby and sweaty then fight to bring them back inside the house so they can get baths then jump in the car and drive to the hog roast where the imps will run around outside and get all grubby?
It is tooo damn hot folks!
and because we are being lazy, b.imp has colored my windows, floors and front door purple and orange. g.imp and I have had a fairly extended conversation with her stuffed purple bunny doll. Meanwhile she has yet to finish her tomato soup (blood) that she asked the wife imp (does that make her the family w.imp?) to fix for her 11/2 hours ago.
On the bright side, the car has been washed and organized (cleaned can never be used unless the w.imp--no, gotta go back to another name--TB1/2 (the better1/2)? Love of My Life (LOML)? --anyway if the Boss 'aint approved the effort it 'aint clean).
No, dammit! I am going to make a stand. This is my blog and the imps are going to be clarified.
We already have:
daughter = g.imp (girl imp)
son = b.imp (boy imp)
wife = w.imp (wife imp)
me = d.imp (daddy imp)? f.imp (father imp)? p.imp? (papa imp?)
I like what we are accomplishing here folks.
Personally I am open to bets on how long the wife will allow herself to be called w.imp to my p.imp?
any guesses??
Simple answer...Why not take them outside? Let them run and play?
Well, today is the Sister's annual hog roast and it is located on the far end of the State from our house. We also have to fix and prepare a covered dish (not even started yet). On top of that, who really wants to let the imps go out and get all grubby and sweaty then fight to bring them back inside the house so they can get baths then jump in the car and drive to the hog roast where the imps will run around outside and get all grubby?
It is tooo damn hot folks!
and because we are being lazy, b.imp has colored my windows, floors and front door purple and orange. g.imp and I have had a fairly extended conversation with her stuffed purple bunny doll. Meanwhile she has yet to finish her tomato soup (blood) that she asked the wife imp (does that make her the family w.imp?) to fix for her 11/2 hours ago.
On the bright side, the car has been washed and organized (cleaned can never be used unless the w.imp--no, gotta go back to another name--TB1/2 (the better1/2)? Love of My Life (LOML)? --anyway if the Boss 'aint approved the effort it 'aint clean).
No, dammit! I am going to make a stand. This is my blog and the imps are going to be clarified.
We already have:
daughter = g.imp (girl imp)
son = b.imp (boy imp)
wife = w.imp (wife imp)
me = d.imp (daddy imp)? f.imp (father imp)? p.imp? (papa imp?)
I like what we are accomplishing here folks.
Personally I am open to bets on how long the wife will allow herself to be called w.imp to my p.imp?
any guesses??
Friday, July 07, 2006
It could only happen for love
For a long time now we have been told that if men had to have babies, none would ever be born. This is essentially true.
While I have walked (both with and without the 'aid' of crutches) with:
- broken toes -- I actually played 1/2 a football season with two broken toes
- torn leg muscles (it was the center of my right calf and yes, when you can feel the sides of the torn section rub against each other, it is safe to claim that it was more than a pulled muscle)
- and screwed up ankle tendons (the doc said it would have been better to break the ankle--turns out he was right) :
I would never ever voluntarily ask to be pregnant. Thank God for women!!
I also am more that happy to skip that wonderful procedure called the 'Pap Smear'. The wife sometimes likes to put me in my place by reminding me that for her, this is a regularly scheduled procedure. It is her way of saying there is no sympathy forthcoming...
But guys there is one procedure (and I would only suggest this as viable if you can find no other way to prove your eternal love and devotion) that you can volunteer for to prove your love to that special woman.
I found out about it after I proposed to the wife. Having gone through my early 20's trying to be a poor man's Don Juan, I felt that some things needed to be confirmed (no matter how much I 'knew' it to be true). SO I went and took the STD test.
For those who never had this, it is where the medical practitioner (in my case a woman, and she had to be holding a grudge against someone. Lucky me!) jams a pine tree (ok, ok it was a verrry long Q-tip) deeeeeeep into the man's...let's just say that I really, really, really did not feel like peeing for a long time after!!
However, it turns out that I was right and we had no worries...Well, I wondered if the 'helmeted hermit' would ever feel well enough to take up his duties again.
So ladies, if you ever want your man to confirm his love, don't ask for diamonds, don't ask for flowers, just ask him to prove his love with one little test...
While I have walked (both with and without the 'aid' of crutches) with:
- broken toes -- I actually played 1/2 a football season with two broken toes
- torn leg muscles (it was the center of my right calf and yes, when you can feel the sides of the torn section rub against each other, it is safe to claim that it was more than a pulled muscle)
- and screwed up ankle tendons (the doc said it would have been better to break the ankle--turns out he was right) :
I would never ever voluntarily ask to be pregnant. Thank God for women!!
I also am more that happy to skip that wonderful procedure called the 'Pap Smear'. The wife sometimes likes to put me in my place by reminding me that for her, this is a regularly scheduled procedure. It is her way of saying there is no sympathy forthcoming...
But guys there is one procedure (and I would only suggest this as viable if you can find no other way to prove your eternal love and devotion) that you can volunteer for to prove your love to that special woman.
I found out about it after I proposed to the wife. Having gone through my early 20's trying to be a poor man's Don Juan, I felt that some things needed to be confirmed (no matter how much I 'knew' it to be true). SO I went and took the STD test.
For those who never had this, it is where the medical practitioner (in my case a woman, and she had to be holding a grudge against someone. Lucky me!) jams a pine tree (ok, ok it was a verrry long Q-tip) deeeeeeep into the man's...let's just say that I really, really, really did not feel like peeing for a long time after!!
However, it turns out that I was right and we had no worries...Well, I wondered if the 'helmeted hermit' would ever feel well enough to take up his duties again.
So ladies, if you ever want your man to confirm his love, don't ask for diamonds, don't ask for flowers, just ask him to prove his love with one little test...
We're just waiting for our imps to be 'discovered'
Every year for the past 6 years we have been waiting for that Hollywood producer to knock on our door with the fat contract and extra Oscar or two...
Let's face facts here. The wife and I both agree that our kids are 'hooked' on drama like crackheads are hooked on their drugs. No intervention now will be successful.
We lost g.imp at about 6 months:
Yes even before g.imp could move around or even sit up on her own, she was honing her acting skills. One evening she was cooing and burbling at the Wife's feet (usually my position but let's not go there yet...), when the wife noticed g.imp had her hands in the air and was making those insistent baby sounds that mean 'Hug me! Kiss me! Come on already, Pick me up and give me some lovin, dammit!!'
(I am sure everyone remembers being given that look by their own imps...)
So the wife picks g.imp up and proceeds to hug and kiss the girl (as well as sniff the 'baby scent' off of the top of her head. This I do not get. Never have never will. But if I could bottle actual 'baby scent' Bill Gates would not be the richest man in America).
G.imp responded with the 'one-arm' hug with her other hand reaching behind for t.v. remote! Remember folks this was at 6-months..!
At three years old she was hanging off the side of a shopping cart (no we did not permit this. She just jumped on the side) while we were in the check-out line and then promptly slid off, scraping her chin. Tears and wailing ensued, making us the center of attention at the busiest hub in the store. Wonderful!!
g.imp sniffles and cries then gathers in a deep breath and wails, "I want...I want...I want to go to Bisney World!!"
And just last year g.imp came flying around the corner of our stairs and just missed colliding with the wall. You did catch the part about not hitting the wall?
Tears, wailing total crying jag ensues. Her reason for the drama? "I almost hit my elbow on the wall!!"
Send in that OSCAR!!
b.imp on the other hand has mastered the 'save me anybody these people beat me with thorn bush' type crying jags. I mean he reaaally takes pride in his work. If he thinks he is not getting the attention his effort deserves, he does not give up. He works even harder (sic: Louder).
'If at first you don't succeed...' is going to be his life's motto. However it is possible to have a conversation with him during one of his fits...
b.imp: (wailing screaming tearing of hair--you know--real Old Testament crying)
me: It's bedtime, we have to lie down now.
b.imp: (see above)
me: Ok, do you want me to read another book?
b.imp: (wailing continues) I want Animal Babies!
me: Not Dr. Suess? (I live for Fox in Socks and A Fly Went By)
b.imp: No, Animal Babies (note, crying is stopped)
me: ok, which ones?
b.imp: th..the tiger an..and th..the elephant!
me: tiger and elephant, right?
b.imp: uhuh
me: ok...tiger aaaand elephant. Here we go.
(note there has been no crying from the time he selected the books until I sit on the bed next to b.imp with the books in hand)
b.imp: (wailing ensues)
me: (WTF???) Which one should I read first?
b.imp: wail/cry/scream---the tiger--wail/cry/scream
Now interchange this type of conversation for topic including, short pants v. long pants, water v. milk, mom brushing b.imp's teeth v. dad brushing b.imp's teeth etc...etc...etc...
Oscars all around folks!
Please hold the drama!!
Let's face facts here. The wife and I both agree that our kids are 'hooked' on drama like crackheads are hooked on their drugs. No intervention now will be successful.
We lost g.imp at about 6 months:
Yes even before g.imp could move around or even sit up on her own, she was honing her acting skills. One evening she was cooing and burbling at the Wife's feet (usually my position but let's not go there yet...), when the wife noticed g.imp had her hands in the air and was making those insistent baby sounds that mean 'Hug me! Kiss me! Come on already, Pick me up and give me some lovin, dammit!!'
(I am sure everyone remembers being given that look by their own imps...)
So the wife picks g.imp up and proceeds to hug and kiss the girl (as well as sniff the 'baby scent' off of the top of her head. This I do not get. Never have never will. But if I could bottle actual 'baby scent' Bill Gates would not be the richest man in America).
G.imp responded with the 'one-arm' hug with her other hand reaching behind for t.v. remote! Remember folks this was at 6-months..!
At three years old she was hanging off the side of a shopping cart (no we did not permit this. She just jumped on the side) while we were in the check-out line and then promptly slid off, scraping her chin. Tears and wailing ensued, making us the center of attention at the busiest hub in the store. Wonderful!!
g.imp sniffles and cries then gathers in a deep breath and wails, "I want...I want...I want to go to Bisney World!!"
And just last year g.imp came flying around the corner of our stairs and just missed colliding with the wall. You did catch the part about not hitting the wall?
Tears, wailing total crying jag ensues. Her reason for the drama? "I almost hit my elbow on the wall!!"
Send in that OSCAR!!
b.imp on the other hand has mastered the 'save me anybody these people beat me with thorn bush' type crying jags. I mean he reaaally takes pride in his work. If he thinks he is not getting the attention his effort deserves, he does not give up. He works even harder (sic: Louder).
'If at first you don't succeed...' is going to be his life's motto. However it is possible to have a conversation with him during one of his fits...
b.imp: (wailing screaming tearing of hair--you know--real Old Testament crying)
me: It's bedtime, we have to lie down now.
b.imp: (see above)
me: Ok, do you want me to read another book?
b.imp: (wailing continues) I want Animal Babies!
me: Not Dr. Suess? (I live for Fox in Socks and A Fly Went By)
b.imp: No, Animal Babies (note, crying is stopped)
me: ok, which ones?
b.imp: th..the tiger an..and th..the elephant!
me: tiger and elephant, right?
b.imp: uhuh
me: ok...tiger aaaand elephant. Here we go.
(note there has been no crying from the time he selected the books until I sit on the bed next to b.imp with the books in hand)
b.imp: (wailing ensues)
me: (WTF???) Which one should I read first?
b.imp: wail/cry/scream---the tiger--wail/cry/scream
Now interchange this type of conversation for topic including, short pants v. long pants, water v. milk, mom brushing b.imp's teeth v. dad brushing b.imp's teeth etc...etc...etc...
Oscars all around folks!
Please hold the drama!!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
If you could see kid's futures, would you really want to?
My imps were outside playing with the n.imps (neighborhood imps) today and for a while all was well in my little corner of the kingdom.
The day was cool. The imps were running around, laughing and yelling and being generally happy. Then it happened. During a round of freeze tag -- hehe I got to be base (yea me!) -- the g.imp decided to hide under my chair and the b.imp tried crawling under after her. It was then that the eldest n.imp uttered these words: 'Bite her on the butt!'
After the crying and yelling subsided (b.imp apparently clamped down with gusto), the elder n.imp then uttered the following words : 'We were just joking! I didn't think he would actually do it!'
(now to complete this picture, add an expression that later in life that will be best described as 'damn! Where the hell did that come from?' Ladies you've seen this expression lots right?)
Of course all I could do was sit there, shrug and hope that this n.imp's future love interest was the forgiving sort...
The day was cool. The imps were running around, laughing and yelling and being generally happy. Then it happened. During a round of freeze tag -- hehe I got to be base (yea me!) -- the g.imp decided to hide under my chair and the b.imp tried crawling under after her. It was then that the eldest n.imp uttered these words: 'Bite her on the butt!'
After the crying and yelling subsided (b.imp apparently clamped down with gusto), the elder n.imp then uttered the following words : 'We were just joking! I didn't think he would actually do it!'
(now to complete this picture, add an expression that later in life that will be best described as 'damn! Where the hell did that come from?' Ladies you've seen this expression lots right?)
Of course all I could do was sit there, shrug and hope that this n.imp's future love interest was the forgiving sort...
The Good 'Ole Days
No, I am not talking about how we used to walk uphill, barefoot, in 4 feet of snow, both ways...
I am talking about swimming lessons. The key focus here being on lessons. This year is year two for g.imp and she is still in the beginner ('Hello kids! This is water...') class.
I remember when we had lessons as kids. Mom would wake us up and have us to the pool by 8:30 a.m. (g.imp has to try and roll out of bed by 10:30 to make her 11a.m. lesson). The water was cold and we had to (don't blink here folks) learn actual swim-type movements. Ok in year one we splashed like mad and learned to float on our backs. Year two was kicking and the basic Crawl Stroke.
Year two for g.imp is...splashing and the instructor throwing rings around in the water and having the kids try to leap through them like some type of cheap Shamu replacements...
Well it looks like to truly teach the imps to swim, we'll have to go to the waaay back 'Good 'Ole Days'.
Yes, if things keep trending this way, I might be forced to toss the imps into the deep end..!
I am talking about swimming lessons. The key focus here being on lessons. This year is year two for g.imp and she is still in the beginner ('Hello kids! This is water...') class.
I remember when we had lessons as kids. Mom would wake us up and have us to the pool by 8:30 a.m. (g.imp has to try and roll out of bed by 10:30 to make her 11a.m. lesson). The water was cold and we had to (don't blink here folks) learn actual swim-type movements. Ok in year one we splashed like mad and learned to float on our backs. Year two was kicking and the basic Crawl Stroke.
Year two for g.imp is...splashing and the instructor throwing rings around in the water and having the kids try to leap through them like some type of cheap Shamu replacements...
Well it looks like to truly teach the imps to swim, we'll have to go to the waaay back 'Good 'Ole Days'.
Yes, if things keep trending this way, I might be forced to toss the imps into the deep end..!
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Oh this was actually funny
b.imp went to sleep very early tonight. We had hopes that he would still sleep through as it was only really 1 hour earlier than usual. Once more he defied our hopes and expectations and woke up around 10 p.m.
Around 11 p.m. he asks if he can have something to eat. Well, no! This is not an 'all-night' greasy spoon. We are not going to encourage our kids to snack until the wee hours of the morning.
We are a unified front on this! That is until the tears start... Then we find out who truly is the 'king of the castle'.
After listening to b.imp cry for a record 10 seconds the Boss turned her puppy dog eyes on me...
TO NO AVAIL! I am a rock here folks.
Then she added pouty lips...So along with his slice of fresh banana bread I also got b.imp some ice cold water.
Yep, just call me Jello.
There is a game called Spider Solitaire on our computer. I have gotten fairly good at the easy version. It is a game that goes quickly and one does not have to think too hard to win.
In completing her first game, on her first attempt, g.imp beat my best score by 10 moves.
I plan on giving her the remote to the VCR later this week...
Around 11 p.m. he asks if he can have something to eat. Well, no! This is not an 'all-night' greasy spoon. We are not going to encourage our kids to snack until the wee hours of the morning.
We are a unified front on this! That is until the tears start... Then we find out who truly is the 'king of the castle'.
After listening to b.imp cry for a record 10 seconds the Boss turned her puppy dog eyes on me...
TO NO AVAIL! I am a rock here folks.
Then she added pouty lips...So along with his slice of fresh banana bread I also got b.imp some ice cold water.
Yep, just call me Jello.
There is a game called Spider Solitaire on our computer. I have gotten fairly good at the easy version. It is a game that goes quickly and one does not have to think too hard to win.
In completing her first game, on her first attempt, g.imp beat my best score by 10 moves.
I plan on giving her the remote to the VCR later this week...
More on 'Reading Others'...
I love reading the posts of other bloggers (yes, I routinely read all the people I have linked on this page and I hope to add more). Ok enough with the shameless promotion, both of self and others.
Mama of 2 had a wonderful blog today. I am posting this one day early so this is my actual post for Wed. As I will not be home today (er...tomorrow).
By the way has anybody seen that Liberty Mutual commercial where the dad in a bathrobe stands in front of his garage reading a paper until the daughter and friend both 'buckle up?'
How cool is that dad!! I bet he is a SAHD too!! (ok, really this is the end of the shameless promotions!)
Mama of 2 posted a wicked funny blog about 'Get Rich Quick' schemes and how they backfire on those naive enough to give them a try.
I had two experiences with (ok, one is my parents) with Amway.
1- Mom and Dad had some very close 'friends' when they lived in WV. But since both mom and dad were from the Buckeye State, dad found a way to move his career back to the home State. After the move their friends would keep in touch with phone calls and letters and one day actually asked if they could make a visit.
My parental units were delighted. Plans were made, special meals prepared and babysitters lined up. The kids were to spend the night elsewhere, so as not to interfere with the adults.
So the big night arrives, the couple arrives and, proceeds to set up a slide projector and an easel (the one with the poster sized paper) and spends 21/2 hours trying to sell mom and dad on how great Amway was.
They would not move off of the topic. At all.
Now folks, dad is not a soft target here. I have seen him invite a vacuum salesmen into his house and have the poor soul completely clean his house just to get the free 2-liter of soda offered.
Imagine what his reaction was to his 'friends' sales pitch.
The year was 1979 and we have not heard from these people once from that night to present...
2- The Wife worked at a local bank branch and met one of her customers at a grocery store. The man then 'whipped out' his Amway pitch and being bred with manners, she politely listened and invited him to our house.
After listening to his sales pitch and making polite remarks like, 'I might be able to show that to some people at work' or 'wow, a cleaning product like that would be nice,' we managed to get Mr. Amway out of the house (apartment). But first we scheduled another meeting in which we were supposed to cough up $200 for the basic starter kit (and if we sold anything 75% of our sales would go to Mr. Amway).
After crunching the numbers, for which both of us already knew would come out unfavorably toward us, the Boss informed me that she had an appointment on the day we were to again meet with Mr. Amway.
Huh? Apparently I was better at this type of thing (confrontations) and would I please handle the matter (send him packing like a Carpetbagger during the Reconstruction of the South). Oh, since he was a 'valued' customer of the bank, could I nice about it?
The meeting with Mr. Amway started out nicely, until I informed him we were not interested. Seeing his money vanishing, Mr. Amway tried guilting it out of me.
"What about all those things you said about selling to your co-workers and how much you liked the product?"
Well, he had me there. I did say those things. I could only look him in the eyes and tell the truth.
"Well, to be honest I lied. I really had no intention of doing this."
"Why the hell did you invite me over here if you were not interested?"
"I never actually invited you. (the boss) did and she was just trying to be nice."
A few more attempts at cracking my wallet open ensued and then this line was tossed out...
"So what do you have against making money?"
EXCUSE ME? The government does not take as much earnings as Mr. Amway planned on taking. As a matter-of-fact, he sat there with a Cheshire Cat smile on his face as he told us how much we stood to lose (er...gain).
Keeping in mind that he was a valued customer, I clamped down on my natural tendencies. Being a red-head, from a very competitive family largely dominated by boys, well let's say that IF I lost my temper I would have been patching dry wall for a week!
Instead I did rather firmly invite his ass to leave. However, I did leave the question of whether or not the patio door was opened or shut as he left to be up to his discretion.
It really is true. One should never go into business with Family or Friends.
Mama of 2 had a wonderful blog today. I am posting this one day early so this is my actual post for Wed. As I will not be home today (er...tomorrow).
By the way has anybody seen that Liberty Mutual commercial where the dad in a bathrobe stands in front of his garage reading a paper until the daughter and friend both 'buckle up?'
How cool is that dad!! I bet he is a SAHD too!! (ok, really this is the end of the shameless promotions!)
Mama of 2 posted a wicked funny blog about 'Get Rich Quick' schemes and how they backfire on those naive enough to give them a try.
I had two experiences with (ok, one is my parents) with Amway.
1- Mom and Dad had some very close 'friends' when they lived in WV. But since both mom and dad were from the Buckeye State, dad found a way to move his career back to the home State. After the move their friends would keep in touch with phone calls and letters and one day actually asked if they could make a visit.
My parental units were delighted. Plans were made, special meals prepared and babysitters lined up. The kids were to spend the night elsewhere, so as not to interfere with the adults.
So the big night arrives, the couple arrives and, proceeds to set up a slide projector and an easel (the one with the poster sized paper) and spends 21/2 hours trying to sell mom and dad on how great Amway was.
They would not move off of the topic. At all.
Now folks, dad is not a soft target here. I have seen him invite a vacuum salesmen into his house and have the poor soul completely clean his house just to get the free 2-liter of soda offered.
Imagine what his reaction was to his 'friends' sales pitch.
The year was 1979 and we have not heard from these people once from that night to present...
2- The Wife worked at a local bank branch and met one of her customers at a grocery store. The man then 'whipped out' his Amway pitch and being bred with manners, she politely listened and invited him to our house.
After listening to his sales pitch and making polite remarks like, 'I might be able to show that to some people at work' or 'wow, a cleaning product like that would be nice,' we managed to get Mr. Amway out of the house (apartment). But first we scheduled another meeting in which we were supposed to cough up $200 for the basic starter kit (and if we sold anything 75% of our sales would go to Mr. Amway).
After crunching the numbers, for which both of us already knew would come out unfavorably toward us, the Boss informed me that she had an appointment on the day we were to again meet with Mr. Amway.
Huh? Apparently I was better at this type of thing (confrontations) and would I please handle the matter (send him packing like a Carpetbagger during the Reconstruction of the South). Oh, since he was a 'valued' customer of the bank, could I nice about it?
The meeting with Mr. Amway started out nicely, until I informed him we were not interested. Seeing his money vanishing, Mr. Amway tried guilting it out of me.
"What about all those things you said about selling to your co-workers and how much you liked the product?"
Well, he had me there. I did say those things. I could only look him in the eyes and tell the truth.
"Well, to be honest I lied. I really had no intention of doing this."
"Why the hell did you invite me over here if you were not interested?"
"I never actually invited you. (the boss) did and she was just trying to be nice."
A few more attempts at cracking my wallet open ensued and then this line was tossed out...
"So what do you have against making money?"
EXCUSE ME? The government does not take as much earnings as Mr. Amway planned on taking. As a matter-of-fact, he sat there with a Cheshire Cat smile on his face as he told us how much we stood to lose (er...gain).
Keeping in mind that he was a valued customer, I clamped down on my natural tendencies. Being a red-head, from a very competitive family largely dominated by boys, well let's say that IF I lost my temper I would have been patching dry wall for a week!
Instead I did rather firmly invite his ass to leave. However, I did leave the question of whether or not the patio door was opened or shut as he left to be up to his discretion.
It really is true. One should never go into business with Family or Friends.
Things that Irritate
1- Kids having kids!
Yes this is a big item to head up this list but we ran across a huge example of this last night.
On the way home from our city's fireworks extravaganza we were temporarily stopped by the couple in front of us (ok they were ahead of us by approx 20 feet). While they paused for a quick grope, their stroller, complete with baby, started rolling back toward us. Fortunately the crowd was pretty full and it did not make it far. and yes the couple in question looked to be still in high school.
egads!!!
2- Crowding Seats in Restaurants
No, I am not talking about crowded restaurants.
I am talking about being the only patrons in the establishment when another party comes in and picks the table next to you. I mean there were at least 15 other tables/booths in the place!
Find a seat somewhere else!
3- How hard is it to make a cafe au lait?
This place we ate at today had what my wife's former boss terms a 'fru-fru' menu.
So how hard is it for a place that specializes in Smoothies, Flavored Coffee, Capuccino and Teas to make a steamed milk/coffee combo? They did not even know what the drink was!! Come on!
For 3 bucks a cup I almost expect the cup to trot out to the table, drink the coffee itself and offer to clean the table!
4- Just how big is Super-Size??
We ordered a KFC meal the other day and found out it came with a drink. Ok, So throw in a glass of pop (for those outside the mid-west that would be a soda to you). Turns out the glass was about One Liter of pop (soda).
Hardee's is by far the worst offender. I recently made the mistake of assuming I knew the sizes. When prompted I said - Medium. What I got was a sandwich I had to hold with two hands and a spatula, fries that equated to two whole Idaho Potatoes, and a drink keg. If what I was given was the 'Medium' in size, what the hell would large be?
The cup holders in my car are already too small for the current size (although I could have strapped the cup into the empty passenger seat with the seat belt).
I am truly amazed and a little scared with the way our fast food industry is trending...
Yes this is a big item to head up this list but we ran across a huge example of this last night.
On the way home from our city's fireworks extravaganza we were temporarily stopped by the couple in front of us (ok they were ahead of us by approx 20 feet). While they paused for a quick grope, their stroller, complete with baby, started rolling back toward us. Fortunately the crowd was pretty full and it did not make it far. and yes the couple in question looked to be still in high school.
egads!!!
2- Crowding Seats in Restaurants
No, I am not talking about crowded restaurants.
I am talking about being the only patrons in the establishment when another party comes in and picks the table next to you. I mean there were at least 15 other tables/booths in the place!
Find a seat somewhere else!
3- How hard is it to make a cafe au lait?
This place we ate at today had what my wife's former boss terms a 'fru-fru' menu.
So how hard is it for a place that specializes in Smoothies, Flavored Coffee, Capuccino and Teas to make a steamed milk/coffee combo? They did not even know what the drink was!! Come on!
For 3 bucks a cup I almost expect the cup to trot out to the table, drink the coffee itself and offer to clean the table!
4- Just how big is Super-Size??
We ordered a KFC meal the other day and found out it came with a drink. Ok, So throw in a glass of pop (for those outside the mid-west that would be a soda to you). Turns out the glass was about One Liter of pop (soda).
Hardee's is by far the worst offender. I recently made the mistake of assuming I knew the sizes. When prompted I said - Medium. What I got was a sandwich I had to hold with two hands and a spatula, fries that equated to two whole Idaho Potatoes, and a drink keg. If what I was given was the 'Medium' in size, what the hell would large be?
The cup holders in my car are already too small for the current size (although I could have strapped the cup into the empty passenger seat with the seat belt).
I am truly amazed and a little scared with the way our fast food industry is trending...
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Dog Days of Re-runs
During the slow days of summer when nothing is on t.v. (and yes we have over 80 channels and there is nothing on...)
What tapes do you pop into the 'ole VCR.
1- Ohio State University Football. Since the Boss is also a fan, I can usually find a game from 2002 to present that she will enjoy. Favorites include past wins in any Fiesta Bowl or vs. UM.
- I also have 3 or four of Tim Chang's better games when he was playing for Hawaii.
2-John Wayne. However, the wife is not a true fan and I am limited to McLintock, The Quiet Man, The Searchers, She Wore A Yellow Ribbon or Fort Apache
3- House of Flying Daggers (this one is on hiatus at the moment as I simply wore out its welcome)
4- ANY Thin Man movie
5- any LOTR - this would truly be my number one (yes even over an OSU football game) however they are usually too long to pop in late at night...
6- Casablanca
7- Any Harry Potter
8- Fiddler on the Roof
9- any Fawlty Towers episode
10- His Girl Friday
What tapes do you pop into the 'ole VCR.
1- Ohio State University Football. Since the Boss is also a fan, I can usually find a game from 2002 to present that she will enjoy. Favorites include past wins in any Fiesta Bowl or vs. UM.
- I also have 3 or four of Tim Chang's better games when he was playing for Hawaii.
2-John Wayne. However, the wife is not a true fan and I am limited to McLintock, The Quiet Man, The Searchers, She Wore A Yellow Ribbon or Fort Apache
3- House of Flying Daggers (this one is on hiatus at the moment as I simply wore out its welcome)
4- ANY Thin Man movie
5- any LOTR - this would truly be my number one (yes even over an OSU football game) however they are usually too long to pop in late at night...
6- Casablanca
7- Any Harry Potter
8- Fiddler on the Roof
9- any Fawlty Towers episode
10- His Girl Friday
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Reading Others
I have sometimes mentioned reading other blogs. Today, Chag over at Cynical Dad caught my attention. Primarily because our g.imp is doing exactly what his daughter is doing, pretending she does not hear us. Answering our every question or comment with 'What' or 'Hunh', was less than funny.
After catching on to what was happening, I decided it had to end. I must admit that a cousin whom I used to admire is really my inspiration for parenting. At one family reunion, I saw her chasing after her kids, trying to get them to listen to her. Even at the far end of the field from the action, I could still hear her cries:
'...Two...Three! I said three! I am not going to going to count again! Listen to me! I said three!...'
At that moment I vowed my own kids would never get that out of control.
So when g.imp pretended to be deaf, I had to come up with a quick solution. My usual response has been, "Are you sure you didn't hear me?"
Kids, my kids anyway, really do not like questions that could possibly have two wrong answers.
The usual response has been:
g.imp (b.imp has yet to start with this educational program): ummm
me: so what did I say?
g.imp will then repeat verbatim the statement/question thus ending the exercise.
On those rare occasions when she cannot, we have taught her to respond with "I did not hear what you said, can you please repeat it?"
If that magic phrase does not pop out of her mouth, someone could find herself holding the stairs in place with her hiney or holding a wall up with her nose. (but only for a minute or two)
After catching on to what was happening, I decided it had to end. I must admit that a cousin whom I used to admire is really my inspiration for parenting. At one family reunion, I saw her chasing after her kids, trying to get them to listen to her. Even at the far end of the field from the action, I could still hear her cries:
'...Two...Three! I said three! I am not going to going to count again! Listen to me! I said three!...'
At that moment I vowed my own kids would never get that out of control.
So when g.imp pretended to be deaf, I had to come up with a quick solution. My usual response has been, "Are you sure you didn't hear me?"
Kids, my kids anyway, really do not like questions that could possibly have two wrong answers.
The usual response has been:
g.imp (b.imp has yet to start with this educational program): ummm
me: so what did I say?
g.imp will then repeat verbatim the statement/question thus ending the exercise.
On those rare occasions when she cannot, we have taught her to respond with "I did not hear what you said, can you please repeat it?"
If that magic phrase does not pop out of her mouth, someone could find herself holding the stairs in place with her hiney or holding a wall up with her nose. (but only for a minute or two)
Shakespeare, Imps and Fireflies
We took the imps to see Shakespeare performed in a local park last night.
We were a little concerned about how the evening would turn out. Me, because the imps did not nap during the day (thus foiling my plans of having relaxed, non-cranky children) and the Boss was worried how I would behave (knowing I am not a fan of hanging out in large crowds. At least those crowds not painted in Scarlet and Gray chanting O-H-I-O!!)
However, this particular play has been raved about by my Better1/2's boss for a couple of years now. It seems her children love this play and they are only a year or so older than our imps.
Now before you start wondering about our sanity, taking children to see Shakespeare. I would like to state, that they were doing all of the Bard's plays in one sitting. A few program notes were also noted:
a) Large sections of text were deleted. 'Romeo and Juliet' was completed in just under 4 minutes!!
b) The acting style was just short of improvisation (yet seemed utterly unplanned)
All-in-all, very very funny. Even the imps were captivated by the antics on stage.
Until Intermission.
That's when the fireflies came out to play. And seeing that we were in a park we let the imps run.
Within minutes g.imp returned with her fists clenched tight. For being such a small girl, it really was amazing how many fireflies she could hold in each hand. I think she dropped close to twenty on our blanket on her first go.
If you have never seen fireflies crawling en masse in a contained area, think roaches with flashlights! Daddy had to pinch himself to verify he was not seeing some nightmarish vision from his college days!
Around this time b.imp got into the act. He caught his own firefly (note - b.imp was perfectly happy with catching the bugs 1 at a time!). He then decided he loved his firefly and announced, to the crowd's enjoyment, that he was going to kiss the bug. Apparently the bug was not as affectionate and not feeling the love returned, b.imp upped his affection quotient and popped the whole bug in his mouth!!
Thinking that this was a good time to distract the b.imp, my Better1/2 offered him a bottle of water. The boy loves to drink water like the grownups and forgot about the bug (which was retrieved unharmed).
For a boy who still thinks it is funny to grab his dirty diapers in mid-change, our b.imp can be quite fussy about his clothes. Like, if he spills his drink on his clothes he must change them or, at least, take off the wet duds! I remembered this little personality quirk when the crowd around us began chuckling. However a quick check revealed that the actors had not returned to the stage.
No, b.imp was chasing after his sister with his pants down around his ankles...
We were a little concerned about how the evening would turn out. Me, because the imps did not nap during the day (thus foiling my plans of having relaxed, non-cranky children) and the Boss was worried how I would behave (knowing I am not a fan of hanging out in large crowds. At least those crowds not painted in Scarlet and Gray chanting O-H-I-O!!)
However, this particular play has been raved about by my Better1/2's boss for a couple of years now. It seems her children love this play and they are only a year or so older than our imps.
Now before you start wondering about our sanity, taking children to see Shakespeare. I would like to state, that they were doing all of the Bard's plays in one sitting. A few program notes were also noted:
a) Large sections of text were deleted. 'Romeo and Juliet' was completed in just under 4 minutes!!
b) The acting style was just short of improvisation (yet seemed utterly unplanned)
All-in-all, very very funny. Even the imps were captivated by the antics on stage.
Until Intermission.
That's when the fireflies came out to play. And seeing that we were in a park we let the imps run.
Within minutes g.imp returned with her fists clenched tight. For being such a small girl, it really was amazing how many fireflies she could hold in each hand. I think she dropped close to twenty on our blanket on her first go.
If you have never seen fireflies crawling en masse in a contained area, think roaches with flashlights! Daddy had to pinch himself to verify he was not seeing some nightmarish vision from his college days!
Around this time b.imp got into the act. He caught his own firefly (note - b.imp was perfectly happy with catching the bugs 1 at a time!). He then decided he loved his firefly and announced, to the crowd's enjoyment, that he was going to kiss the bug. Apparently the bug was not as affectionate and not feeling the love returned, b.imp upped his affection quotient and popped the whole bug in his mouth!!
Thinking that this was a good time to distract the b.imp, my Better1/2 offered him a bottle of water. The boy loves to drink water like the grownups and forgot about the bug (which was retrieved unharmed).
For a boy who still thinks it is funny to grab his dirty diapers in mid-change, our b.imp can be quite fussy about his clothes. Like, if he spills his drink on his clothes he must change them or, at least, take off the wet duds! I remembered this little personality quirk when the crowd around us began chuckling. However a quick check revealed that the actors had not returned to the stage.
No, b.imp was chasing after his sister with his pants down around his ankles...
Friday, June 30, 2006
I am not above bogarting ideas...
and Mrs. Fortune had a great post today on the nostalgia of lost tech. For her it was the memories of a rotary telephone. That got me to thinking about all of the phones that our family owned.
When we moved into the house where my parents now live, I was in 2nd grade and rotary phones were the norm (and in our area so were party lines). But the great thing about our town was that we only had to dial 5 numbers for a call anywhere in our town.
I cannot tell you how great it was for a kid to not have to dial those extra two numbers!! Then they came out with cordless phones (these phones had push buttons but still dialed. You know if you pushed 2 there were two clicks, if you pushed 6 there were 6 clicks, etc...). What really sucked about these phones was that if you pushed the buttons too fast the machine would get confused and lock up while dialing.
The reaaaaally great thing about the original cordless phones is that you could listen into conversations with a radio! And at the time this was still possible, my older brother was entering that phase in life where sex with his girlfriend was more an actual fact and not a wet dream.
Even better was if one had a radio that had a tape recorder/player built into the unit, then one had blackmail material for years and years!
When we moved into the house where my parents now live, I was in 2nd grade and rotary phones were the norm (and in our area so were party lines). But the great thing about our town was that we only had to dial 5 numbers for a call anywhere in our town.
I cannot tell you how great it was for a kid to not have to dial those extra two numbers!! Then they came out with cordless phones (these phones had push buttons but still dialed. You know if you pushed 2 there were two clicks, if you pushed 6 there were 6 clicks, etc...). What really sucked about these phones was that if you pushed the buttons too fast the machine would get confused and lock up while dialing.
The reaaaaally great thing about the original cordless phones is that you could listen into conversations with a radio! And at the time this was still possible, my older brother was entering that phase in life where sex with his girlfriend was more an actual fact and not a wet dream.
Even better was if one had a radio that had a tape recorder/player built into the unit, then one had blackmail material for years and years!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
When Dad cleans...
We celebrate! Cigars for everyone! Yes, I just cleaned the kitchen and ran the dishwasher!!
Now, many of you might be thinking..
"Yeah, So??"
Well, you are probably right. I do the kitchen and dishes all the time. But today was the first day that I actually dirtied dishes so that I could fill up the dishwasher in order to run it at an almost full capacity.
In past years I might have just slapped some detergent into the machine and fired it up! Then the Better1/2 would have lectured me on the cost value of running a nearly empty machine, wasting water and "Why did I not just wait until it was full?"
Yes folks, 'a man can learn' given enough time and repetition...
Now I am trying to decide if making brownies in an effort to create dirty dishes was really the direction I should have gone in lieu of my current efforts to lose weight...
Any thoughts?
Now, many of you might be thinking..
"Yeah, So??"
Well, you are probably right. I do the kitchen and dishes all the time. But today was the first day that I actually dirtied dishes so that I could fill up the dishwasher in order to run it at an almost full capacity.
In past years I might have just slapped some detergent into the machine and fired it up! Then the Better1/2 would have lectured me on the cost value of running a nearly empty machine, wasting water and "Why did I not just wait until it was full?"
Yes folks, 'a man can learn' given enough time and repetition...
Now I am trying to decide if making brownies in an effort to create dirty dishes was really the direction I should have gone in lieu of my current efforts to lose weight...
Any thoughts?
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Canadian Terrorists must abound!!
Yep, yesterday I learned that there is a great terror threat coming out of Canada. Which was quite a relief because I was starting to believe that those damn mounties were going to steal our money!
Ok, we really did not think the mounties were in the process of stealing our money but we did order a composter from a Canadian manufacturer and they were 2 weeks late in delivering. I called the company hoping I did not pick one of those fly-by-night online companies that was currently thanking me for my donation while its sole representative was on a beach somewhere sipping rum and coconut drinks.
It turns out since a terror alert was recently raised along the US-Canada border, packages being shipped across the border (North to South) needed to update (re: change) their shipping order codes. Because my package had not been updated it got shipped from the border back to Quebec.
I mean come on! Terrorists from Canada? Did anybody else ever watch the movie "Canadian Bacon?"
Give me a break here! I am trying to score a few points with the Better1/2 and help save the environment and Canadian Terror threats delay the shipment!!!
Geez!
Ok, we really did not think the mounties were in the process of stealing our money but we did order a composter from a Canadian manufacturer and they were 2 weeks late in delivering. I called the company hoping I did not pick one of those fly-by-night online companies that was currently thanking me for my donation while its sole representative was on a beach somewhere sipping rum and coconut drinks.
It turns out since a terror alert was recently raised along the US-Canada border, packages being shipped across the border (North to South) needed to update (re: change) their shipping order codes. Because my package had not been updated it got shipped from the border back to Quebec.
I mean come on! Terrorists from Canada? Did anybody else ever watch the movie "Canadian Bacon?"
Give me a break here! I am trying to score a few points with the Better1/2 and help save the environment and Canadian Terror threats delay the shipment!!!
Geez!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The Imps are at it again!
While enjoying the sunshine today and reveling in the fact that Nature was where it belonged -- outside of my house -- g.imp and n.imp were playing near one of the trees next to our house, using g.imp's toy scissors to cut grass blades. I then heard the following:
g.imp: look, I cut one of its legs in half!
n.imp: what was it?
g.imp: a daddy long-legs.
Whoa Nelly! Daddy on the move!
I immediately relieved g.imp of the scissors and sent her inside. After sending n.imp home, I gathered b.imp up (he was chewing on leaves or eating dirt or something. Whatever-- it was quiet) and rushed inside to discipline our darling little bug killer.
The confrontation:
Me: what did you just cut?
g.imp: a spider
(knowing I am about to drop the boom on her, g.imp looked surprisingly, well, pissed at me)
me: We don't go around killing things!
(well, not since that particular joy was taken away from daddy during his college years. After meeting mommy, daddy had to give up killing roaches with aerosol cans and matches...)
g.imp: but I hate spiders!
Yep, that's daddy's little girl. If you know you are already in trouble, jump in with both feet!
Fast forward a few hours.
The Light of My Life arrives home with a desire to take g.imp shopping for a new bathing suit because g.imp starts swim lessons next week!!
So they find some swimwear that is:
a) not a skimpy bikini
b) manages to cover most of g.imp's body
(I can barely believe it. It takes over two hours and a minor miracle to find a bathing suit for a child that does not scream 'SkanK!')
So after finding some suitable options the Better 1/2 takes the imps to the dressing room.
(The dressing room has little cubicles that have actual doors and one cubicle that only has a curtain. At this juncture I would like to say that our grass was at least 8 inches high and I really, really did have to mow the lawn tonight)
The wife passes the curtained cubicle (the curtain was shut) in favor of a room with a door. G.imp Could not pass it by that easily and whipped the curtain open revealing a woman in the midst of -- well she was not wholly covered.
As the wife is 'stroking out' she manages to close the curtain and hustle g.imp into one of the open cubicles. On his way past, b.imp chooses yet another inappropriate moment to emulate his older sister and once more pulls open the curtain.
Poor, Poor woman. However the Better 1/2 had time to recover while choosing the appropriate bathing suit for g.imp. So on the way out she was feeling quite normal and happy with her choice until she heard the sound of a curtain being jerked open, accompanied by the b.imp's following announcement:
"I want to see the naked lady!"
Yep, that's my boy!!
g.imp: look, I cut one of its legs in half!
n.imp: what was it?
g.imp: a daddy long-legs.
Whoa Nelly! Daddy on the move!
I immediately relieved g.imp of the scissors and sent her inside. After sending n.imp home, I gathered b.imp up (he was chewing on leaves or eating dirt or something. Whatever-- it was quiet) and rushed inside to discipline our darling little bug killer.
The confrontation:
Me: what did you just cut?
g.imp: a spider
(knowing I am about to drop the boom on her, g.imp looked surprisingly, well, pissed at me)
me: We don't go around killing things!
(well, not since that particular joy was taken away from daddy during his college years. After meeting mommy, daddy had to give up killing roaches with aerosol cans and matches...)
g.imp: but I hate spiders!
Yep, that's daddy's little girl. If you know you are already in trouble, jump in with both feet!
Fast forward a few hours.
The Light of My Life arrives home with a desire to take g.imp shopping for a new bathing suit because g.imp starts swim lessons next week!!
So they find some swimwear that is:
a) not a skimpy bikini
b) manages to cover most of g.imp's body
(I can barely believe it. It takes over two hours and a minor miracle to find a bathing suit for a child that does not scream 'SkanK!')
So after finding some suitable options the Better 1/2 takes the imps to the dressing room.
(The dressing room has little cubicles that have actual doors and one cubicle that only has a curtain. At this juncture I would like to say that our grass was at least 8 inches high and I really, really did have to mow the lawn tonight)
The wife passes the curtained cubicle (the curtain was shut) in favor of a room with a door. G.imp Could not pass it by that easily and whipped the curtain open revealing a woman in the midst of -- well she was not wholly covered.
As the wife is 'stroking out' she manages to close the curtain and hustle g.imp into one of the open cubicles. On his way past, b.imp chooses yet another inappropriate moment to emulate his older sister and once more pulls open the curtain.
Poor, Poor woman. However the Better 1/2 had time to recover while choosing the appropriate bathing suit for g.imp. So on the way out she was feeling quite normal and happy with her choice until she heard the sound of a curtain being jerked open, accompanied by the b.imp's following announcement:
"I want to see the naked lady!"
Yep, that's my boy!!
I might be losing this fight
I sometimes long for the days when our g.imp was more rough and tumble. There was a time when she was in daycare that this worry was non-existent.
When I picked g.imp up one particular afternoon, we had a discipline report also waiting for us. It seems our precocious g.imp left rather deep teeth marks in another child's arm.
Normally this is not an occasion to cheer, but even the staff was reluctant to discipline our g.imp on this occasion. It turns out she was only retaliating because the other child bit her first! Upon hearing this I informed the little one that she was going out for an ice cream treat.
I do not personally endorse fighting, but as dad informed me so many years ago: 'I better not ever hear about you starting a fight. But if you do have to get into one, you damn well better finish it!'
There was a time I believed g.imp understood this...
She now lets little things like size intimidate her. And being the good father that I am, I cannot step in and solve her problems. Well not directly.
Enter the n.imp (neighborhood imp). This darling is bigger than our imps and generally good natured but she has a definite 'I am in charge' personality. Our g.imp has a definite 'I want to be the center of attention' personality.
Makes for fun times when they are together.
I keep thinking 'if only g.imp will show more backbone. '
or 'gee a left cross right about now would feel good!'
But then I remember even I have not thrown a punch in anger in over 25 years. So I guess I am stuck working on this backbone issue.
Workout Commitment:
-failed in completing the final 2 cycles of last night's run.
When I picked g.imp up one particular afternoon, we had a discipline report also waiting for us. It seems our precocious g.imp left rather deep teeth marks in another child's arm.
Normally this is not an occasion to cheer, but even the staff was reluctant to discipline our g.imp on this occasion. It turns out she was only retaliating because the other child bit her first! Upon hearing this I informed the little one that she was going out for an ice cream treat.
I do not personally endorse fighting, but as dad informed me so many years ago: 'I better not ever hear about you starting a fight. But if you do have to get into one, you damn well better finish it!'
There was a time I believed g.imp understood this...
She now lets little things like size intimidate her. And being the good father that I am, I cannot step in and solve her problems. Well not directly.
Enter the n.imp (neighborhood imp). This darling is bigger than our imps and generally good natured but she has a definite 'I am in charge' personality. Our g.imp has a definite 'I want to be the center of attention' personality.
Makes for fun times when they are together.
I keep thinking 'if only g.imp will show more backbone. '
or 'gee a left cross right about now would feel good!'
But then I remember even I have not thrown a punch in anger in over 25 years. So I guess I am stuck working on this backbone issue.
Workout Commitment:
-failed in completing the final 2 cycles of last night's run.
Monday, June 26, 2006
More about the particulars
For those not 'In the Know,' which I sincerely hope takes in everyone currently reading this, this is my second go at blogging. In my first attempt, I was more of an angry 'I cannot believe my family is treating me this way...Where is the damn support??'
So this time when we cut back our hours (again. We really, truly want to be a 1 income family and I would need to rob several banks per year to match the better 1/2's annual income) I was not surprised when grandpap busted out the 'so you're going back to babysitting again?'
Dad was born in a different generation when men were men and women did all the clean-up work at family gatherings. He apparently holds similar hopes for his sons (and daughters??).
So with granddad offering up his opinions, one might think that we would try not to conversate with this man.
Wrong! While topics to avoid with dad include, lifestyle, politics, religion, health, career and/or education, he is still a highly educated, funny person.
Example:
when he was younger my brother had a car accident where the car went airborne and struck a tree. My brother bounced around the car and ended up in the ER with a nasty head wound. When my dad arrived they were about to shave my brother's head and stitch him up.
Dad's only comment?
"Can you shave 'buckle up, dumbass' on the other side?"
Ok, we are a weird family and I am blessed that my wife puts up with me. But let us look at the elder brother, shall we?
Our little sibling (remember the hero of our car accident story above?) is living at the old sib's house while attending school. The sister-in-law has decided that life would be more bearable without the extra boarder. So in an effort to smooth things over, the eldest brother called a family meeting.
(prior to expounding on this meeting let me just add that sis-in-law is an extrovert and baby bro is almost militantly introverted. For a good visual mix oil and water and you might understand how well things are going. Add gasoline and match if you want to add our eldest sib)
Issues at the moment are:
1 - not enough communication. Hell, little bro is not even married yet and this is STILL a major problem?? He may never walk down the aisle.
2 - late night dishes left stacked neatly in the sink. In his defense, he was instructed by the 'king of the palace' not to do the dishes. Not that it helped him in the end...
3 - not enough communication. How does one force and introvert to act like an extrovert?
So where is this long, lengthy and boring post leading?
Big bro opens his family meeting with:
So, we are here today because there are some serious issues that need to be resolved. Little bro, the wife is upset because you have not spent enough time outside painting the trim around the house.'
(quick flash to the other participants' expressions: Little Bro - WTF??? Sis-in-Law - WTF??)
Elder bro to wife: and honey, if you have a big problem with little bro's talking, just tell him to stick a sock in his mouth.
(quick flash to the other participants' expressions: Little Bro - WTF?? You ass!! Sis-in-Law - WTF?? You ass!!)
Elder bro to wife (much later in the conversation): Ok honey, I have heard enough whining around here...So I guess I will shut up now.
You simply cannot buy tickets to entertainment this funny!! and to think, I have ringside seats!!
So this time when we cut back our hours (again. We really, truly want to be a 1 income family and I would need to rob several banks per year to match the better 1/2's annual income) I was not surprised when grandpap busted out the 'so you're going back to babysitting again?'
Dad was born in a different generation when men were men and women did all the clean-up work at family gatherings. He apparently holds similar hopes for his sons (and daughters??).
So with granddad offering up his opinions, one might think that we would try not to conversate with this man.
Wrong! While topics to avoid with dad include, lifestyle, politics, religion, health, career and/or education, he is still a highly educated, funny person.
Example:
when he was younger my brother had a car accident where the car went airborne and struck a tree. My brother bounced around the car and ended up in the ER with a nasty head wound. When my dad arrived they were about to shave my brother's head and stitch him up.
Dad's only comment?
"Can you shave 'buckle up, dumbass' on the other side?"
Ok, we are a weird family and I am blessed that my wife puts up with me. But let us look at the elder brother, shall we?
Our little sibling (remember the hero of our car accident story above?) is living at the old sib's house while attending school. The sister-in-law has decided that life would be more bearable without the extra boarder. So in an effort to smooth things over, the eldest brother called a family meeting.
(prior to expounding on this meeting let me just add that sis-in-law is an extrovert and baby bro is almost militantly introverted. For a good visual mix oil and water and you might understand how well things are going. Add gasoline and match if you want to add our eldest sib)
Issues at the moment are:
1 - not enough communication. Hell, little bro is not even married yet and this is STILL a major problem?? He may never walk down the aisle.
2 - late night dishes left stacked neatly in the sink. In his defense, he was instructed by the 'king of the palace' not to do the dishes. Not that it helped him in the end...
3 - not enough communication. How does one force and introvert to act like an extrovert?
So where is this long, lengthy and boring post leading?
Big bro opens his family meeting with:
So, we are here today because there are some serious issues that need to be resolved. Little bro, the wife is upset because you have not spent enough time outside painting the trim around the house.'
(quick flash to the other participants' expressions: Little Bro - WTF??? Sis-in-Law - WTF??)
Elder bro to wife: and honey, if you have a big problem with little bro's talking, just tell him to stick a sock in his mouth.
(quick flash to the other participants' expressions: Little Bro - WTF?? You ass!! Sis-in-Law - WTF?? You ass!!)
Elder bro to wife (much later in the conversation): Ok honey, I have heard enough whining around here...So I guess I will shut up now.
You simply cannot buy tickets to entertainment this funny!! and to think, I have ringside seats!!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Time for change
With Spring slowly moving into summer and inexorably toward the winter and Holidays, the food feasts are nearly upon us!
Yep, we are very nearly back to the stage of storing tha fat for winter!
Sooo, knowing my body's metabolism is nearly 10% as effective as it was, say, 20 years ago I have decided that a little help is needed.
Enter the 'Training Program'. I need to lose weight. No, I desperately need to lose weight!
(after all, one cannot truly be a trophy husband if one is not tanned and fit with a full head of hair--ok, fit with a full head of hair. Tanning is not an event I will ever experience.)
My target goal is to lose at least 20 lbs by Sept. (aggressive I know, but I will immediately be cutting out the junk food intake).
I am also into the 2nd week of the 'Couch Potato to 5k' running program and I will begin weight training as well.
yep, me me me me me me me
well back to the kids:
we went to the small-town festival near the zoo. 90 degree plus temps...almost no shade.
However, a glass of lemonade, two tiny hotdogs and a funnel cake and our g.imp loudly proclaimed that she was 'in Heaven!!!'
Love these little festivals!
Yep, we are very nearly back to the stage of storing tha fat for winter!
Sooo, knowing my body's metabolism is nearly 10% as effective as it was, say, 20 years ago I have decided that a little help is needed.
Enter the 'Training Program'. I need to lose weight. No, I desperately need to lose weight!
(after all, one cannot truly be a trophy husband if one is not tanned and fit with a full head of hair--ok, fit with a full head of hair. Tanning is not an event I will ever experience.)
My target goal is to lose at least 20 lbs by Sept. (aggressive I know, but I will immediately be cutting out the junk food intake).
I am also into the 2nd week of the 'Couch Potato to 5k' running program and I will begin weight training as well.
yep, me me me me me me me
well back to the kids:
we went to the small-town festival near the zoo. 90 degree plus temps...almost no shade.
However, a glass of lemonade, two tiny hotdogs and a funnel cake and our g.imp loudly proclaimed that she was 'in Heaven!!!'
Love these little festivals!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Well I was sitting working on a lame posting when...
our g.imp stumbled while hustling up the stairs. Yep, within 30 seconds blood was pumping out of her nose and within 5 minutes she was gargling it and spitting it out of her mouth.
Off to the ER...
On the way there g.imp cried a little, whimpered a little, and feared a lot.
After arriving and 'checking in' we sat. Probably because she stopped bleeding somewhere between our house and the ER. Not that I could tell, one would have had to break her arms to pry the towel off of her nose.
Then we were called in for the triage. As soon as the nurse asked her to remove the towel, it was flopped into my lap. G.imp Immediately started complimenting the nurse on the color of her scrubs (yep, not even 7 years old and she already knows how to work the room!). Then she proceeds to point to the huge blood spot on the towel and informs the nurse that mommy is going to have to use a lot of 'Shout' to get the stain out.
Performance repeated at Booth 3, before going back to see the doc. g.imp Also handled her DOB, address, phone number. Dad might as well have stayed in the car and listened to the game.
Just let me know when to pick her up at the exit...
Back in the examination room, I almost had to strap her to the bed as she was practically doing somersaults out of sheer boredom. Sooo, in order to keep herself occupied everytime g.imp spotted the doctor variations of this theme were announced:
g.imp: ok, he's coming our way...Nope! He's going somewhere else...Again!
Then she turns to me and informs me because she was here, she was now queen in our house for three weeks.
Of course I started to rationalize this and tried to talk her down...
And then the big, sad puppy eyes and the fingers barely brushing the side of her nose,
"but daddy, my nose hurts."
...Damn...
Off to the ER...
On the way there g.imp cried a little, whimpered a little, and feared a lot.
After arriving and 'checking in' we sat. Probably because she stopped bleeding somewhere between our house and the ER. Not that I could tell, one would have had to break her arms to pry the towel off of her nose.
Then we were called in for the triage. As soon as the nurse asked her to remove the towel, it was flopped into my lap. G.imp Immediately started complimenting the nurse on the color of her scrubs (yep, not even 7 years old and she already knows how to work the room!). Then she proceeds to point to the huge blood spot on the towel and informs the nurse that mommy is going to have to use a lot of 'Shout' to get the stain out.
Performance repeated at Booth 3, before going back to see the doc. g.imp Also handled her DOB, address, phone number. Dad might as well have stayed in the car and listened to the game.
Just let me know when to pick her up at the exit...
Back in the examination room, I almost had to strap her to the bed as she was practically doing somersaults out of sheer boredom. Sooo, in order to keep herself occupied everytime g.imp spotted the doctor variations of this theme were announced:
g.imp: ok, he's coming our way...Nope! He's going somewhere else...Again!
Then she turns to me and informs me because she was here, she was now queen in our house for three weeks.
Of course I started to rationalize this and tried to talk her down...
And then the big, sad puppy eyes and the fingers barely brushing the side of her nose,
"but daddy, my nose hurts."
...Damn...
Friday, June 23, 2006
Are we really that afraid of failure??
J's Mommy at anothermommymoment.blogspot.com had an interesting post about how coddling our society has come. Personally I think she only experienced the tip of the iceberg!
Coddling the kids has become mind-boggling/numbing where we live . The following examples actually occurred:
1- during my student teaching phase, I was told not to grade any lower than a 'C' because the students would stop trying. This was a college-prep English course!!
2- youth-league, athletic teams are not allowed to learn how to lose (therefore how to overcome adversity). At the end of each season everyone gets a trophy! I might be a godsforsaken, knuckle-dragging, Neanderthal but giving trophies to kids for losing like champions is not going to make the season any sweeter in their memories. A trip to the local ice-cream parlor on the other hand is (and was) better appreciated.
3- This year we had 20 (count them now) TWENTY!! Valedictorians graduate from our high school and all but 3, ALL BUT THREE!! had greater than a 4.0 GPA!
?????????WTF????????
Because of this and other incidents like them, I truly believe our kids are not being taught how to make/and then learn from their mistakes. I truly believe that our kids are being encouraged to not reach for that goal that might not be attainable (on the first, second or even third attempt) because they know it does not matter.
My own daughter has learned not risk anything new (unless being threatened/bullied by her uncaring parents). Why? Because if she does not try or fails, Hey! it's OK.
No risk, same reward!!
So, being the proactive dad that I am, the g.imp is currently enrolled in summer acting classes.
(there will be future blogs why we have a future Oscar winner)
I realize that I am going to, potentially, be the poster boy of bad parenting here, but I seriously believe that if my kids got passing grades and I could prove they literally made no effort, I would go to the school and demand they lower the grades to the appropriate level!
We want them to get involved with sports and learn what it is like to fail, no matter how hard they might try.
The key point is that 2nd place should not be rewarded like 1st place and that losing actually sucks!
They need to learn this so that they can overcome adversity later in life. No business out there, that I know of, wants to put the time in to teach these lessons to their prospective employees. They simply have too much to lose if they are risking their future viability on employees that do not know how to turn adversity into success!
These lessons need to be learned now!
Coddling the kids has become mind-boggling/numbing where we live . The following examples actually occurred:
1- during my student teaching phase, I was told not to grade any lower than a 'C' because the students would stop trying. This was a college-prep English course!!
2- youth-league, athletic teams are not allowed to learn how to lose (therefore how to overcome adversity). At the end of each season everyone gets a trophy! I might be a godsforsaken, knuckle-dragging, Neanderthal but giving trophies to kids for losing like champions is not going to make the season any sweeter in their memories. A trip to the local ice-cream parlor on the other hand is (and was) better appreciated.
3- This year we had 20 (count them now) TWENTY!! Valedictorians graduate from our high school and all but 3, ALL BUT THREE!! had greater than a 4.0 GPA!
?????????WTF????????
Because of this and other incidents like them, I truly believe our kids are not being taught how to make/and then learn from their mistakes. I truly believe that our kids are being encouraged to not reach for that goal that might not be attainable (on the first, second or even third attempt) because they know it does not matter.
My own daughter has learned not risk anything new (unless being threatened/bullied by her uncaring parents). Why? Because if she does not try or fails, Hey! it's OK.
No risk, same reward!!
So, being the proactive dad that I am, the g.imp is currently enrolled in summer acting classes.
(there will be future blogs why we have a future Oscar winner)
I realize that I am going to, potentially, be the poster boy of bad parenting here, but I seriously believe that if my kids got passing grades and I could prove they literally made no effort, I would go to the school and demand they lower the grades to the appropriate level!
We want them to get involved with sports and learn what it is like to fail, no matter how hard they might try.
The key point is that 2nd place should not be rewarded like 1st place and that losing actually sucks!
They need to learn this so that they can overcome adversity later in life. No business out there, that I know of, wants to put the time in to teach these lessons to their prospective employees. They simply have too much to lose if they are risking their future viability on employees that do not know how to turn adversity into success!
These lessons need to be learned now!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
One would think I could learn...
Before married life, I was happily ignorant social graces. Being single meant that I could cook what I wanted and eat it anywhere in the apartment. And cleaning meant scaring the roaches out of site before guests came over and if anyone ever offered me something I liked, they certainly did not have to ask twice!
I have since learned about the 'Offer Three Times' rule. Apparently if someone offers me something that I like, I have to make them offer it to me three times before accepting.
For instance, while visiting my fiancee (now wife) at her home in the Philippines her father offered me a plate and gestured to the buffet. Me, being hungry and the only white man there, gladly took the offered plate and the opportunity to actually do something other than stand there wondering if anyone was talking about/laughing at me.
Weeeell, I found out later that my bride-to-be was highly embarrassed by my actions. Yep, I should have politely declined her dad's orders and then made him repeat them at least two more times.
Sooo, fast forward 12 years.
Last night I was running some errands and called the better 1/2 to ask if she wanted a shake or something. She did say no. After arriving she saw that I actually did buy her a shake (going on the premise that getting her something she did not want was better than not getting her something she later decided she might like). Anyway she twice more refused to take the shake.
I on the other hand finished my drink and decided to polish off the unwanted shake, without first discussing this possibility with the wife.
About 1/2 hour after I started in on the shake, it turned out that she did want the shake.
So, I get in trouble!!!
I followed the "Offer the damn thing 3-times rule!" but I forgot the caveat that states, 'if the person to whom the item is being offered is your wife, the 3-times rule is voided and the heretofore unheard of 4-times rule is now in effect.'
Who knew?
I have since learned about the 'Offer Three Times' rule. Apparently if someone offers me something that I like, I have to make them offer it to me three times before accepting.
For instance, while visiting my fiancee (now wife) at her home in the Philippines her father offered me a plate and gestured to the buffet. Me, being hungry and the only white man there, gladly took the offered plate and the opportunity to actually do something other than stand there wondering if anyone was talking about/laughing at me.
Weeeell, I found out later that my bride-to-be was highly embarrassed by my actions. Yep, I should have politely declined her dad's orders and then made him repeat them at least two more times.
Sooo, fast forward 12 years.
Last night I was running some errands and called the better 1/2 to ask if she wanted a shake or something. She did say no. After arriving she saw that I actually did buy her a shake (going on the premise that getting her something she did not want was better than not getting her something she later decided she might like). Anyway she twice more refused to take the shake.
I on the other hand finished my drink and decided to polish off the unwanted shake, without first discussing this possibility with the wife.
About 1/2 hour after I started in on the shake, it turned out that she did want the shake.
So, I get in trouble!!!
I followed the "Offer the damn thing 3-times rule!" but I forgot the caveat that states, 'if the person to whom the item is being offered is your wife, the 3-times rule is voided and the heretofore unheard of 4-times rule is now in effect.'
Who knew?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I almost felt good there for a moment
I opened my blog this p.m. and was enjoying what I have created. Granted it is not the fiction that I am also pursuing...
(the current plan is to focus on the kids and when they both go to school full-time, pursue my writing interests and actually complete one of the many manuscripts that are languishing under my 11pm - 2am -infrequent- writing binges).
I picked up the 'puter to move to the next room and g.imp wandered by and read the screen while we transitioned to the next room (she is six and is currently reading her first Harry Potter book!).
Anyway, she read the title of my blog and asked what 'SAHD' meant.
Me: it means Stay At Home Dad
g.imp: Oh. Why don't you just write it out
Me: Because we like to give ourselves cute little titles
g.imp: (long pause--brief glazed look in her eyes) whatever!
I was going to end the post here but the dvd machine decided to chew up the Disney music cd that I was playing for the imps. So the following ensued:
g.imp: I think the machine does not like it. Can we put in another one...Disney. I like Disney.
Me: Ok. Or would you like Rock'n'Roll? (we have a fair sized collection of old and new rock, some country and a tad of blues, jazz and classical. But I am currently in a rock frame of soul).
g.imp: Oh daddy! let's do that one! Shanee Tane! Shanee...what's her name?
Me: Shania Twain?
g.imp: yes her! I like her!
Me: (staring longingly at my Aerosmith, Who and Derek and the Dominoes) oh, alright.
Just how close do you think I am from encountering a full-fledged attack of 'Girl Power'??
But as the wife commented last night as long as the name Brittany is not included in any way, shape or form...
(the current plan is to focus on the kids and when they both go to school full-time, pursue my writing interests and actually complete one of the many manuscripts that are languishing under my 11pm - 2am -infrequent- writing binges).
I picked up the 'puter to move to the next room and g.imp wandered by and read the screen while we transitioned to the next room (she is six and is currently reading her first Harry Potter book!).
Anyway, she read the title of my blog and asked what 'SAHD' meant.
Me: it means Stay At Home Dad
g.imp: Oh. Why don't you just write it out
Me: Because we like to give ourselves cute little titles
g.imp: (long pause--brief glazed look in her eyes) whatever!
I was going to end the post here but the dvd machine decided to chew up the Disney music cd that I was playing for the imps. So the following ensued:
g.imp: I think the machine does not like it. Can we put in another one...Disney. I like Disney.
Me: Ok. Or would you like Rock'n'Roll? (we have a fair sized collection of old and new rock, some country and a tad of blues, jazz and classical. But I am currently in a rock frame of soul).
g.imp: Oh daddy! let's do that one! Shanee Tane! Shanee...what's her name?
Me: Shania Twain?
g.imp: yes her! I like her!
Me: (staring longingly at my Aerosmith, Who and Derek and the Dominoes) oh, alright.
Just how close do you think I am from encountering a full-fledged attack of 'Girl Power'??
But as the wife commented last night as long as the name Brittany is not included in any way, shape or form...
Have you ever...
Have you ever been to a restaurant with your date, spouse, significant other and the whole time you are talking he is looking over your head trying to catch the latest sports scores/updates?
Well that used to be me (ok it still is me when I am seated in the right direction). Last night it was my wife...
OH YEAH!!!
And she was watching ESPN's coverage of the Roger Clemen's news conference. Neither of us really like him as our favorite player and we do not really follow the team for which he pitches. However, it was sports related and she at least offered updates.
Turns out he was having the press conference to talk about his upcoming start with his current team...BIG YAWN!
But did I mention that it was my WIFE watching the show!!
I might have asked this before, BUT does it ever get any better than this???
Well that used to be me (ok it still is me when I am seated in the right direction). Last night it was my wife...
OH YEAH!!!
And she was watching ESPN's coverage of the Roger Clemen's news conference. Neither of us really like him as our favorite player and we do not really follow the team for which he pitches. However, it was sports related and she at least offered updates.
Turns out he was having the press conference to talk about his upcoming start with his current team...BIG YAWN!
But did I mention that it was my WIFE watching the show!!
I might have asked this before, BUT does it ever get any better than this???
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Day Tripping...
Before forcing myself to relive the past 3 hours I do have to ask...Things do get better don't they?
Ok, this a.m., after a surprise business call, I decided that it was too nice of a day to stay inside and hide from the biting flies and mosquitoes that have re-infested our neighborhood.
Speaking of unwanted gifts from Nature, we recently had an infestation of carpenter ants. Here is how it was resolved:
Me: Hey I killed another ant in the bathroom today. That makes about six this week.
Better 1/2: Is that all (she is at work and understandably a little distracted)
Me: (can she be serious? ants are like roaches and mice. If you see one, then they are building subdivisions behind the walls!!) Weeeell, yes. I called my cousin to send someone out. (my cousin works at a pest control company).
Better 1/2: For six ants???? I can't believe you!
me: What? Huh?
better 1/2: So you see 2 or 3 ants and now you are going to nuke them?
me: well, yea (Hell, I'd seriously consider mustard gas if I were guaranteed of keeping nature where it belongs...In somebody else's house!) . I mean if they're carpenter ants...
better 1/2: I don't know. It's only 2 or 3 ants
me: (I don't like the direction this math is taking us) well, they will just be giving us and estimate the first visit. I also have to catch a specimen for them. I guess if they aren't eating our house from the inside out, I'll have to find another way...
As it turned out we had carpenter ants nesting in our roof, one of the trees in our yard and checking out locations in our bathrooms, and every other tree (8) in our yard.
The mushroom clouds erupted over our house and lawn approximately 3 weeks ago.
So back to the day trip...
I decided that we should go to the zoo. After all we have a zoo pass, it is summer. It just seems like something a cool dad would do to score points with the kids.
So, I get a phone call from a landowner I leased last year and during the ensuing conversation, made a wrong turn. But I did stumble through a picturesque community that is having a festival this weekend and guess who is going??
Back at the zoo, we had to eat because we somehow got behind schedule. The animal exhibits would have to wait until the imps were fed. No problem. We took our time, because we had all day and it was not so hot when we arrived. However it was hot by the time the imps expressed their desire to motivate onward.
This meant that g.imp wanted to run ahead and daddy got to carry b.imp on his shoulders along with the backpack full of cold--um, relatively lukewarm-- water.
First stop the Lions. Well, 1 lion hunkered down in the shade. From the distance we did see his head. However by the time dad and b.imp made it to the front of the crowd, g.imp had seen her fill and was moving on-- right to the t.v. positioned in the shelter next to the exhibit so that when one sat to see the t.v., one could not see the animals in the exhibit.
Both imps thought that sitting there all afternoon at the zoo, watching t.v. pictures of lions and other big cats was a terrific idea! Not today kids! Dad stepped in and got the show on the road.
B.imp wanted to walk now. We had shade for about two minutes. Then b.imp had to ride. There was a definite pattern happening here and I knew I was not going to be happy.
On to the Elephants! Who doesn't like the elephants! Everyone was going to the enclosure. Mama and baby elephants were wandering both indoors and out. We went in...and immediately ignored the Giant Glass Windows behind which the elephants were mere feet away. Huge beasts strolling casually back and forth munching hay letting us see them from every conceivable angle.
Yet the imps were staring at the empty pens on the far side of the room. Begging for quarters to squeeze pennies into different souvenir shapes and generally blowing off the entire exhibit. At least we were out of the sun...
Moving on we had the choice of walking several minutes to see the North American animals or walking several minutes to see the sea creatures.
g.imp: I'm ready to go home dad.
(She apparently had been to the zoo with her class just before summer vacation. Too bad dad did not remember signing the permission slip. I think that her even expressing the slightest interest in stopping at any exhibit was a minor miracle.)
Ooooookay...
$4 for water, $16 for lunch 21/2 hours to see 1 Lion, 1 t.v. program about lions, 2 elephants.
How it feels to be the cool dad?
Priceless
Ok, this a.m., after a surprise business call, I decided that it was too nice of a day to stay inside and hide from the biting flies and mosquitoes that have re-infested our neighborhood.
Speaking of unwanted gifts from Nature, we recently had an infestation of carpenter ants. Here is how it was resolved:
Me: Hey I killed another ant in the bathroom today. That makes about six this week.
Better 1/2: Is that all (she is at work and understandably a little distracted)
Me: (can she be serious? ants are like roaches and mice. If you see one, then they are building subdivisions behind the walls!!) Weeeell, yes. I called my cousin to send someone out. (my cousin works at a pest control company).
Better 1/2: For six ants???? I can't believe you!
me: What? Huh?
better 1/2: So you see 2 or 3 ants and now you are going to nuke them?
me: well, yea (Hell, I'd seriously consider mustard gas if I were guaranteed of keeping nature where it belongs...In somebody else's house!) . I mean if they're carpenter ants...
better 1/2: I don't know. It's only 2 or 3 ants
me: (I don't like the direction this math is taking us) well, they will just be giving us and estimate the first visit. I also have to catch a specimen for them. I guess if they aren't eating our house from the inside out, I'll have to find another way...
As it turned out we had carpenter ants nesting in our roof, one of the trees in our yard and checking out locations in our bathrooms, and every other tree (8) in our yard.
The mushroom clouds erupted over our house and lawn approximately 3 weeks ago.
So back to the day trip...
I decided that we should go to the zoo. After all we have a zoo pass, it is summer. It just seems like something a cool dad would do to score points with the kids.
So, I get a phone call from a landowner I leased last year and during the ensuing conversation, made a wrong turn. But I did stumble through a picturesque community that is having a festival this weekend and guess who is going??
Back at the zoo, we had to eat because we somehow got behind schedule. The animal exhibits would have to wait until the imps were fed. No problem. We took our time, because we had all day and it was not so hot when we arrived. However it was hot by the time the imps expressed their desire to motivate onward.
This meant that g.imp wanted to run ahead and daddy got to carry b.imp on his shoulders along with the backpack full of cold--um, relatively lukewarm-- water.
First stop the Lions. Well, 1 lion hunkered down in the shade. From the distance we did see his head. However by the time dad and b.imp made it to the front of the crowd, g.imp had seen her fill and was moving on-- right to the t.v. positioned in the shelter next to the exhibit so that when one sat to see the t.v., one could not see the animals in the exhibit.
Both imps thought that sitting there all afternoon at the zoo, watching t.v. pictures of lions and other big cats was a terrific idea! Not today kids! Dad stepped in and got the show on the road.
B.imp wanted to walk now. We had shade for about two minutes. Then b.imp had to ride. There was a definite pattern happening here and I knew I was not going to be happy.
On to the Elephants! Who doesn't like the elephants! Everyone was going to the enclosure. Mama and baby elephants were wandering both indoors and out. We went in...and immediately ignored the Giant Glass Windows behind which the elephants were mere feet away. Huge beasts strolling casually back and forth munching hay letting us see them from every conceivable angle.
Yet the imps were staring at the empty pens on the far side of the room. Begging for quarters to squeeze pennies into different souvenir shapes and generally blowing off the entire exhibit. At least we were out of the sun...
Moving on we had the choice of walking several minutes to see the North American animals or walking several minutes to see the sea creatures.
g.imp: I'm ready to go home dad.
(She apparently had been to the zoo with her class just before summer vacation. Too bad dad did not remember signing the permission slip. I think that her even expressing the slightest interest in stopping at any exhibit was a minor miracle.)
Ooooookay...
$4 for water, $16 for lunch 21/2 hours to see 1 Lion, 1 t.v. program about lions, 2 elephants.
How it feels to be the cool dad?
Priceless
Monday, June 19, 2006
On to the Particulars...
Since setting sail on this adventure, I have noticed that other bloggers seem quite comfortable with naming the names of their kids, wives, husbands, etc...
Even though I am posting my thoughtsand emotions online, I feel that perhaps I should be willing to follow along the path blazed by others. However, I am also not inclined to run with the crowd. That and I am a tad self-centered, somewhat blunt, and I have this desire to be both 'out there' and intensely private. Private wins in this issue.
So, the characters in this and future plays are as follows:
Me : Me, I, myself
The Wife: the wife, my better half, our long-suffering angel, the boss, the light of my life (ok, this is laying it on a bit thick, but on the off-chance she actually reads this post, it also cannot hurt)
HEY! a fat man on a 10-speed almost took out 2 or 3 of the audience members on 'The Late Show'!!
our daughter: g.imp (girl imp contracted...yes I know an apostrophe is traditional but get over it)
our son: b.imp
Whatever happened to mom and dad saying, "time for bed kids" and the little ones would scurry off like roaches in the kitchen when the light snaps on...?
A little over a year ago, I went back to work full-time. Obviously an office environment was not an option so I went back to the old standby, the Natural Resources industry. My particular job is driving around the backroads and byways of the State and convincing people that 2,000 to 8,000 feet deep holes in their lawns are good things. Ironically, it really helps to sell this viewpoint when prices are up.
So, while I was out on the road we needed help around the house. To that end, my wife's fam stepped up and delivered. Her mother, her sister-in-law and her niece alternately moved in with us and helped care for the imps.
However, as the age group our visitors grew younger, I noticed the quality of food became, somewhat less home cooked and more along the instant variety (or hand-delivered to a table along with the bill).
Eventually other oddities came to light. The b.imp used to take a bath/brush teeth, say prayers, read a book and sleep (it was more a less a crap shoot with the g.imp but she at least stayed in her bed and was quiet). Now that I am home, I can see how much back-sliding has occurred.
Before continuing I do have to admit that I am very grateful and thankful for the help of my in-laws. The wife and I would have not been able to take advantage of many opportunities without their presence/help.
However having the b.imp scream, yell, wail, whimper, cry and thrash his way through two hours a night before finally sobbing his way to dreamland was a bridge I thought we had already crossed and burned.
...four and a half hours have passed since my wife and the b.imp disappeared into his room and it is just now quiet.
Dare I hope???
(ok, I know I look bad here but I did do the dishes, iron several shirts--without leaving an imprint of the iron burned into the cloth -- and actually considered vacuuming the carpets. But hey, I am still a guy and do have my standards)
Even though I am posting my thoughts
So, the characters in this and future plays are as follows:
Me : Me, I, myself
The Wife: the wife, my better half, our long-suffering angel, the boss, the light of my life (ok, this is laying it on a bit thick, but on the off-chance she actually reads this post, it also cannot hurt)
HEY! a fat man on a 10-speed almost took out 2 or 3 of the audience members on 'The Late Show'!!
our daughter: g.imp (girl imp contracted...yes I know an apostrophe is traditional but get over it)
our son: b.imp
Whatever happened to mom and dad saying, "time for bed kids" and the little ones would scurry off like roaches in the kitchen when the light snaps on...?
A little over a year ago, I went back to work full-time. Obviously an office environment was not an option so I went back to the old standby, the Natural Resources industry. My particular job is driving around the backroads and byways of the State and convincing people that 2,000 to 8,000 feet deep holes in their lawns are good things. Ironically, it really helps to sell this viewpoint when prices are up.
So, while I was out on the road we needed help around the house. To that end, my wife's fam stepped up and delivered. Her mother, her sister-in-law and her niece alternately moved in with us and helped care for the imps.
However, as the age group our visitors grew younger, I noticed the quality of food became, somewhat less home cooked and more along the instant variety (or hand-delivered to a table along with the bill).
Eventually other oddities came to light. The b.imp used to take a bath/brush teeth, say prayers, read a book and sleep (it was more a less a crap shoot with the g.imp but she at least stayed in her bed and was quiet). Now that I am home, I can see how much back-sliding has occurred.
Before continuing I do have to admit that I am very grateful and thankful for the help of my in-laws. The wife and I would have not been able to take advantage of many opportunities without their presence/help.
However having the b.imp scream, yell, wail, whimper, cry and thrash his way through two hours a night before finally sobbing his way to dreamland was a bridge I thought we had already crossed and burned.
...four and a half hours have passed since my wife and the b.imp disappeared into his room and it is just now quiet.
Dare I hope???
(ok, I know I look bad here but I did do the dishes, iron several shirts--without leaving an imprint of the iron burned into the cloth -- and actually considered vacuuming the carpets. But hey, I am still a guy and do have my standards)
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Life Cannot Get Any Better Than This, Right?
Having lurked online reading posts from other At Home parents, it has become clear that the good fight is under way. This means that while I will address parenting issues as a Stay At Home Dad, they will not be the only issues covered.
The reason I am even contemplating this venture is because of the support of my wife. Yes, I can hardly believe it myself. I am married to a woman who actually encourages me to spend time on the internet!
While pondering my good fortune, I have to admit that she also has supported my career choices. We found out very early that I am not an office rat. I do not function at high levels over long periods, when shackled to a desk. I truly do not even enjoy the thought of visiting an office, much less being forced to work in one. She on the other hand thrives. God bless her.
But marriage is not a one-way street. When we first married, she could not stand and did not understand football or baseball. Now after more than 12 years of marriage, we not only watch games on the television, she will actually look for and listen to them on the radio!
Have I mentioned that life is good?
Ok, before I hear about how self-centered I am, I also have to watch shows on Bravo. I am expected to change sinus-cleansing diapers without the aid of an environmental suit, take and pick-up the kids from their extra-curriculars and be interested enough sign them up for those activities (ok, this is taking some actual effort, but I have improved).
One last detail, and this actually shocked me, I put the tiny imp to bed (and listened to him scream, up close and personal, for an hour-and-a-half) and went back into the family room to catch my better half at least two episodes into the latest Dr. Who marathon on the sci fi channel!!
Damn!!!
I did mention that life was good, right?
Having lurked online reading posts from other At Home parents, it has become clear that the good fight is under way. This means that while I will address parenting issues as a Stay At Home Dad, they will not be the only issues covered.
The reason I am even contemplating this venture is because of the support of my wife. Yes, I can hardly believe it myself. I am married to a woman who actually encourages me to spend time on the internet!
While pondering my good fortune, I have to admit that she also has supported my career choices. We found out very early that I am not an office rat. I do not function at high levels over long periods, when shackled to a desk. I truly do not even enjoy the thought of visiting an office, much less being forced to work in one. She on the other hand thrives. God bless her.
But marriage is not a one-way street. When we first married, she could not stand and did not understand football or baseball. Now after more than 12 years of marriage, we not only watch games on the television, she will actually look for and listen to them on the radio!
Have I mentioned that life is good?
Ok, before I hear about how self-centered I am, I also have to watch shows on Bravo. I am expected to change sinus-cleansing diapers without the aid of an environmental suit, take and pick-up the kids from their extra-curriculars and be interested enough sign them up for those activities (ok, this is taking some actual effort, but I have improved).
One last detail, and this actually shocked me, I put the tiny imp to bed (and listened to him scream, up close and personal, for an hour-and-a-half) and went back into the family room to catch my better half at least two episodes into the latest Dr. Who marathon on the sci fi channel!!
Damn!!!
I did mention that life was good, right?
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